I've been researching weight loss surgery lately. I have mixed feelings about it, but facts should support a decision of this size. My gut (ha!) says this is not the course I want to follow. I have such a ridiculous relationship with food. It's an abusive relationship. Food shames me, blames me, makes me feel like shit, forces itself on me, and then comforts me when I feel worthless. Sometimes we get along and have healthy boundaries, but mostly I feel enslaved to it.
But I can't just walk away from it. It's time to return to therapy. I have addressed to many issues with past therapists. A traumatic upbringing, a toxic relationship with a parent, work stress, and issues of sexual impulsivity. It's time to address the food. It's time to address the binging and what it serves, and how to move past it. My first appointment is in the morning. I made it three weeks ago.
I joke about being a binge eater, but today it's not funny. I eat to hide feelings. I eat to celebrate. I eat to mourn. I eat for comfort and for fun. I hide my eating from those closest to me. I eat against my will. I eat things I don't even like. Then I hate myself. And sugar makes me feel better.
So while reading about weight loss surgery, and talking to people who have gone through it, I keep seeing this theme: You'll be expected to lose 30-50 pounds prior to surgery. Bitch, If I could lose that much weight on my own I wouldn't be researching how to get someone to literally cut out my stomach.
It's sound advice, though. If I don't demonstrate the ability to sustain lifestyle changes, the surgery will be pointless. So I'm leaning towards no cutting...in more ways than one.
I've been off plan about three weeks now. And I feel like hell. I'm tired, mentally sluggish, and squishy again. My skin and hair look like shit, and I'm dehydrated. I also have no sex drive, which will not do. Back on plan Monday, and will be deciding on modifications to the last experiment in the mean time. First thing to go is beer, bread, and sugar. Move to plant-based diet with minimal use of meats for protein. And I won't lie (because what's the point?): I'm curious about diet drugs (Adipex and the like). For now, though, I stay away.
Start over...or keep going.
Fuck, this is hard.
Thursday, October 15, 2015
Friday, October 2, 2015
Blocked
In some sort of cliched moment of writer's block I have found myself staring at a blinking cursor on the screen. Prompts and ideas sit in front of me, but I have no thoughts. I have not written for this blog in a couple of weeks (shit...just checked...haven't posted in 23 days) , but it's not the cursor on this screen that stares back.
I made the decision (entirely impulsively) to apply to graduate school. I am preparing application materials to a doctoral program in my field. The GRE was easy, I have letters of recommendation committed from several former professors and colleagues, and I can fill out an application. The blasted Personal Statement is what has me stopped.
I have practiced in my field for the last 10 years, but the prompts for this statement asks me to consider what brought me to the field and what experiences have prepared me for the study of my field...How do I answer these questions?
For most, the doctorate is the logical next step in their education. I finished my Masters in 2006. Since that time, I have worked in a variety of settings, and ultimately built a successful private practice. Why am I going back now? My fear is that if I can't answer this question for myself, for this personal statement...that maybe I don't need to go back.
That's an accurate statement, really. I don't need to go back. So why am I trying to?
It's something left unfinished.
To prove that I can.
Because it would have made my grandfather REALLY proud.
It's really difficult to effect positive change in my field with a only Master's degree, regardless of what my income looks like.
In case anyone is interested, I am not looking for suggestions. Please don't send them (I'll ignore them. I'm stubborn that way).
Back to the purpose of this blog:
I have not been vigilant about this lifestyle change that I started this blog to talk about. I worked very hard for 6 weeks with some results, but not the results I hoped for. Still, my body has changed and I have lost weight. I am proud of that. But at my core, I am a food addict, a binger from way back. I've talked about that. And staying on track has been very difficult.
I spent a week off the meal plan and gained about 5 pounds. Then another week on plan, and lost 7. I'm gaining knowledge through the ups and downs. I've learned that I can add an apple and some peanut butter a couple times a week, and things don't go to hell. In fact, I have more success. I've learned that white bread and pasta are the devil and tend to make me sick. Sugar appeals to me less than it used to, but I still love it.
I weighed in on Saturday at 259.5. I've broken into the 250s and I'm thrilled about that. I continue to work out, but not as often and not only with Kettlebells. I've been in more physical pain lately, from my "women issues" and when that happens I'm much less motivated. Walking seems to help, but I'm chained to my office far too often during the week, and by the weekend I'm exhausted. It's a daily challenge. Some days are better than others, of course.
I flirt with guilt over my lack of progress, but at the end of the day, I just really don't care so much. The motivation I had has significantly decreased. I think part of this comes from having no concrete goals. My goal was just to "do better." And overall I am. And that's good enough for me, right now.
This blog will morph, as things do. There's far too much going on to just talk about what I eat and how much weight I throw around. Sure...we'll go with that.
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Outta spoons and fucks.
Today was one of those unspeakably terrible days that you just can't quite describe in full horror with human words. Lions might have a word for it, or baby seals...but not humans. I'm going to run down a list of today's events, then explain.
1. First client of the day was late, and was a tiny little cunt-in-training. She was accompanied by Grand-Mothercunt.
2. I was in such a sudden and intense level of pain from a medical issue that I got dizzy and threw up.
3. I got home after a 12 hour day to find the dogs (really, just one of the dogs, but because I didn't see it I shant point fingers at thelittle bitch hiding her face under the table), had torn apart a full kitchen trashcan and left me presents to clean up all over the downstairs.
4. Someone (this time I really mean someone...could have been me, could have been The Engineer, as we were both late as fuck getting up today, or could have- more than likley- been the goddamn cat) left the bedroom door open and aforementioned dogs wallowed in the bed. They are shedders.
Is that all? I think that's all. Really, I don't need any more than that. I ran out of spoons.*
Three of the four above are pretty common occurrences, actually. And don't generally bother me much. But number two? That was the variable that made it all topple.
I suffer (and I do mean *suffer*) from Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, and Endometriosis. Both of these issues can be painful. Together? They can knock me out. What are they? Google it. Basicially PCOS means lots of cysts (poly) on your ovaries (ovarian-duh). Endometriosis is what happens when the endometrial tissue that lines the uterus goes rogue and implants on other organs (ovaries, Fallopian tubes, cervix), and even up the spine and onto the kidneys in some severe cases.
I'm in pain when I ovulate, when I have my period, and sometimes any-damn-time my cunt feels like torturing me. Some months are better than others, definitely. Diet and exercise do influence changes. (For instance, prolonged gluten abstinence significantly decreased period-cramps, and yoga helps decrease overall pain levels everywhere). But sometimes it feels like chance.
I was a week late, which is abnormal. Of all the symptoms I have, I tend to be regularish, which is unique. I have noticed a correlation (not 1.0, but still...upward) that the later my period starts, the more severe the pain I'll have during. I was 6 days late, this month. Started this morning. And 6 hours later, the pain hit. I had just eaten lunch (late, rushed, and soup) when the dizziness hit. I felt feverish and sweaty, and then the pain. Familiar, not alarming. And nearly unbearable. And then my lunch left me.
The only other time it was this bad, I ended up in the ER with a suspected ectopic. Test was negative. It was the PCOS and endo.
Today was a severe pain (9 of 10) kind of day. It took most of my spoons to deal and see clients, most of whom were either very cranky or were in the throws of an emotional crisis. I'm not the most woo, but I'm pretty sure one of them shot her negative energy at me and I absorbed it because the pain kept me open and unshielded.
The drive home was long (but I skipped the ice cream castle this time), and a long drive in pain feels endless. Then to come home and the house...the dogs. *Sigh*
I slammed a few doors (satisfying), and smacked a wall (that hurt). Then I worked out (kettlebells, mytatic crunches, and front and side planks). I exhausted my poor self. Sweat everywhere. Jumped in a coldcold shower, poored wine, and made a steak salad. I feel better. Or at least, am unperturbed by my lack of spoons and fucks at this moment.
Texts from The Engineer and The Professor (a new, hopefully not just walk-on character) helped improve my mood. Took some pain killers and life is ok. I had a dark chocolate Hershey bar on the way home, when I stopped for Tylenol. Blood sugar was low and I had run out of Plan Fucks. Chocolate was being consumed, aight?
And as I sit and think, the wine kicking in and food hitting my belly, I recognize the glorious hyperbole of my first sentences. Was today bad? Yes. But I'm alive, and the pain has left, as it always does. All limbs are in tact, my loved ones are safe. I have said wine and food and belly. It was bad. And now it's over. Tomorrow, I get more spoons?
*Spoons is a reference to this article on Spoon Theory for chronic health conditions. My PCOS and endo are chronic, but not always a problem. I also suffer from depression and anxiety that take spoons, on occasion, also.
Here's the article, if you are interested.
http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/
Monday, September 7, 2015
35 Days
I've been bad about blogging this week, which may show in my results. I also didn't do well on plan. I wrote, a few days ago, about wanting to cheat. I hoped that sharing that, that telling on myself, would keep me honest and on course. That night, it worked. I went out with friends, and while what I actually wanted to eat involved potatoes slathered in cheese..I got steak, green beans, and a side salad with no cheese or croutons. And red wine. Ignore the roll in the picture. I gave it to my friend Lisa, who promptly had it stolen by the server, who thought she was done with that plate. *Bread casualty sad face*
That evening, I indulged in not one, but TWO spoonfuls of honey-peanut butter. This is, typically, as close as I get to cheating during the week.
The next day, however...things got dicey. I ate well all day, but I was out of town, and had to pass by my favorite Ice Cream Castle on the way home. You remember the one? Disney princess castle in the middle of BFE with a Baskin Robbins? I know that somewhere in my subconscious I had already given myself permission to stop and get some. It was just too easy, pulling my car into the lot with a devil-may-care attitude. I was going to have some fucking ice cream.
I'm too smart for my own good sometimes. I convinced myself that I was a scientist, and I needed to test what affect having ice cream during the week would have on my overall progress. Testing my limits was necessary and dammit, just intelligent lifestyle modification. So I had ice cream.
It did not taste quite as good as I'd hoped, but I still ate that stuff fast enough that pictures were not obtained.
Here's a thing that happens when I cheat sometimes: The next shitty decision comes so much easier. I had Chipotle for dinner. This isn't necessarily bad, it can actually be very diet compliant if one orders correctly. Shredded cheese on top and a bag of tortilla chips with which to make nachos is not ordering correctly. It was, however, fantastic and delicious. Aaaand I ate it too quickly to take pictures. I guess I didn't want photographic evidence. Understandable, but I'm telling on myself here, so *shrug*
I felt terrible the next day, physically. The sugar crashes aren't quite as bad as the wheat-based crashes, interestingly enough. I feel bloated and awful after wheat products. Sugar makes me grouchy, but not as tired.
Weigh in day wasn't great. It wasn't awful either. I lost a 1/2 pound since last week. I lost 3 inches overall in the last two weeks. I deleted the measurements I took and compared this week's to the last time The Engineer weighed me, for consistency. I noticed while he was measuring me this week that I tend to pull the tape WAY tighter around my body than he does. I guess that would make a difference if I'm squishing all my fat out of the way to take "accurate measurements." I decided that if he isn't available to measure me then I'll skip circumference for that week.
This week's weight is 260. I really hoped to break into the 250s this week, but T.E. assures me next week we'll do it. I like that I have a partner along for this ride.
Total Weight Loss: 8 pounds in 35 days
Total Inches Lost: 18.75 inches in 35 days
I'm proud of the pictures. There is a visible difference (not just in hair color), and that helps me see the progress even if I can't feel it. Pain level has been bad this week. I completed 2 of the 3 workouts. Missed the Friday workout because I was exhausted and just plain forgot to do it until I'd had too much wine to do it safely. Kettlebells and inebriates don't mix, you guys!
8/2/2015 9/5/2015
That evening, I indulged in not one, but TWO spoonfuls of honey-peanut butter. This is, typically, as close as I get to cheating during the week.
The next day, however...things got dicey. I ate well all day, but I was out of town, and had to pass by my favorite Ice Cream Castle on the way home. You remember the one? Disney princess castle in the middle of BFE with a Baskin Robbins? I know that somewhere in my subconscious I had already given myself permission to stop and get some. It was just too easy, pulling my car into the lot with a devil-may-care attitude. I was going to have some fucking ice cream.
I'm too smart for my own good sometimes. I convinced myself that I was a scientist, and I needed to test what affect having ice cream during the week would have on my overall progress. Testing my limits was necessary and dammit, just intelligent lifestyle modification. So I had ice cream.
It did not taste quite as good as I'd hoped, but I still ate that stuff fast enough that pictures were not obtained.
Here's a thing that happens when I cheat sometimes: The next shitty decision comes so much easier. I had Chipotle for dinner. This isn't necessarily bad, it can actually be very diet compliant if one orders correctly. Shredded cheese on top and a bag of tortilla chips with which to make nachos is not ordering correctly. It was, however, fantastic and delicious. Aaaand I ate it too quickly to take pictures. I guess I didn't want photographic evidence. Understandable, but I'm telling on myself here, so *shrug*
I felt terrible the next day, physically. The sugar crashes aren't quite as bad as the wheat-based crashes, interestingly enough. I feel bloated and awful after wheat products. Sugar makes me grouchy, but not as tired.
Weigh in day wasn't great. It wasn't awful either. I lost a 1/2 pound since last week. I lost 3 inches overall in the last two weeks. I deleted the measurements I took and compared this week's to the last time The Engineer weighed me, for consistency. I noticed while he was measuring me this week that I tend to pull the tape WAY tighter around my body than he does. I guess that would make a difference if I'm squishing all my fat out of the way to take "accurate measurements." I decided that if he isn't available to measure me then I'll skip circumference for that week.
This week's weight is 260. I really hoped to break into the 250s this week, but T.E. assures me next week we'll do it. I like that I have a partner along for this ride.
Total Weight Loss: 8 pounds in 35 days
Total Inches Lost: 18.75 inches in 35 days
I'm proud of the pictures. There is a visible difference (not just in hair color), and that helps me see the progress even if I can't feel it. Pain level has been bad this week. I completed 2 of the 3 workouts. Missed the Friday workout because I was exhausted and just plain forgot to do it until I'd had too much wine to do it safely. Kettlebells and inebriates don't mix, you guys!
8/2/2015 9/5/2015
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
Must Bitch About It
Partially, this blog was created to give me a place to vent, seek support, and whine when I need it. Of course, I keep with the measurements and what sort of things I'm doing regarding eating changes and exercise routines.
But it gets boring talking about "I eat meat, vegetables, and lentils," because there are only so many ways that you can write about that before it gets boring. Turns out there are only so many ways you can EAT this way before it gets a little boring. 4HB (The book) warns of this. It's supposed to be simple and boring, to leave little room for error.
Today, I'm just going to whine.
I have been following the plan nearly perfectly, and my results are showing. I have talked about my wish for faster results, but The Engineer points out that fast weight loss often seems to lead to even faster weight gain later. The slow route provides a more solid foundation for permanent lifestyle changes. I get that.
But when I read some of the "testimonials" I get...discouraged. There's a lady he highlights, "Tracy" who lost over 100 lbs on the plan (I can't remember or it didn't say how long that took). In part of her testimonial, she said (paraphrased), "If you have 80 to 100 lbs to lose and aren't losing 5-6 pounds a week for the first several weeks, you are doing something wrong."
I reasonably COULD lose 100 lbs. I probably should. That would put me at 168 lbs for my 5'7" height. I'm tall compared to the average woman. I don't need to be 120. I'd look sickly at 120. I suspect I might look a bit sickly at 168, but I haven't been at 168 since...middle school? So I really can't say for sure.
If we assume that I have 80-100 lbs to lose...apparently I am doing something wrong. My average is 1.87 lbs of loss per week. Now, my average is ALSO 5.5 inches a week. Maybe she meant inches?
Tim Ferriss also talks about weight change as not only being change in pounds, but a change in where weight is distributed and HOW on a person's body. So shifting 20 lbs of fat in the bell to 20 lbs of muscle in the ass, legs, back, chest, etc is definitely a great change and will produce dramatic visual change in how a person looks, even if the scale remains the same.
Blah blah blah science and fitness.
I'm about to start my period (yeah guys, we gotta talk about that). I have some health issues (PCOS, Endometriosis), which affects how my body holds weight, how severe my periods feel, how heavy a flow I have, regularity of my periods (and other bodily functions...endo-poo can be painful). I am a fucking wreck this week. I could not stop crying yesterday morning for no fucking reason. I am agitated and irritable. I nearly yelled at a client today (I find this really funny bc The Engineer nearly yelled at one of his clients yesterday). I am HUNGRY, and that fucking salad with homemade, sugar free dressing, and chili with only beef and beans is NOT doing it for me. I'm hungry, and cranky. I'm hungry, cranky, and everything hurts right now.
This place I have office space in down here in Southeastern KY has literal Baskets of Candy EVERYWHERE. Free chocolate just sitting around.
(Yeah...it pretty much looks like this year round)
Sometimes the baskets are full of swiss cakes, ho hos, and ding dongs. Once, there was a table of free cakes...Free whole fucking cakes...for visitors and staff to pillage. I have done so well for the four weeks....but yesterday, I had a little York Peppermint Patty. It was pretty gross, actually. Today, I had a Ghirradelli mini-dark chocolate. This thing was the size of a quarter. It was pretty fucking yummy.
I did not ice after my workout last night (yes, I schlepped my kettlebell all the way down here and dragged it up to my hotel room). My knees hurt. My back hurts (that's the endo), and I just want to cry, eat and/or throw food, poop, and take a nap. I am not sure if I will make it totally on diet today. I feel a cheat coming on, and I'm not sure how severe it will be. So I'm telling on myself, hoping to minimize damage. I'd hit an OA (Over-eater's Anonymous) meeting, but honestly I don't want to hear about Jesus today. I'd rather just experiment. My life feels like a giant experiment sometimes. There was never a plan for changes to be permanent, maybe it will be good to see just how much I set myself back by being lenient on a Tuesday rather than a Saturday. Or maybe this blog will keep me on plan.
If I cheat, I'll talk about it here. I'll take pictures of the offending foods and open myself to criticism. I'll hack and release my own Chocolate/Bread/Potato related Dolly Madison Affair.
Saturday, August 29, 2015
Rough Week. But Progress Made, Despite.
I know this blog is about weight loss and my path towards being a healthier, happier human. But I am not my weight. I am not my weight loss journey. And sometimes other things come up. Since this is my blog, I'm going to write about what has been going on with me that doesn't necessarily have much to do with my weight loss. Because I need to.
It's been a rough week. The Engineer has been out of town for the last couple days, work was very busy (although enjoyable), and there was a private issue that weighed heavily on my heart and head all week.
I'll talk about that very briefly, because I don't have many other outlets to share my feelings. I need to talk about it, but I also need to maintain the confidentiality of the person involved, as they asked me to.
Someone I love very much and feel very protective over was hurt by someone that I thought could be trusted...someone that I have previously defended when others made similar accusations regarding their behavior.
I know that human interaction is complicated, but I still believe that it's never ok to put your hands on another human in anger, unless you fear for your life. This situation...well self-defense was not the catalyst issue by any means. This situation was about control, intimidation, and...and...and I don't know what. I wasn't there, but the "victim" (and I'm using that term without them self-identifying...just trying to keep it all gender neutral and vague)...Rather...the Receiver of this violence, came to me: shaken, crying, scared.
I feel so many things about all of this. I feel pain for my friend. I feel anger at the perpetrator. I feel shame for having been an ally of theirs for so long. I feel guilt for not sharing MY experiences about this stuff. I feel powerless. And it's been difficult for me this week, processing all of this.
The receiver of the violence does not want to make waves, and stated they feared what the perpetrator might do to them. Which spawns SO MANY MORE feelings. But I respect that choice. It is their story to tell, their actions to take. Initially, I was very reactive about what happened. I saw red, and was pissed. I couldn't sleep for several days. It was triggering to me, hearing what happened. I relived some of my own history of receiving this sort of violence. My own victimization. I relived interactions with this person, in particular. While never physically violent with me, there was emotional manipulation, guilt trips, gaslighting. Many call this "emotional abuse." While in it, and shortly after...it was very difficult for me to label what I experienced as emotional abuse. I suppose I have some feelings of shame associated with being a victim of emotional abuse in my 30s. Like somehow I should be immune to this sort of treatment...immune from suddenly realizing things had gotten very very bad because "I should know better."
I feel all the things and it has been a rough week. Today feels hopeful. Some fog has lifted. I had a few good cries yesterday as my body and spirit filtered out what I could control and what I could not control. I spent the evening relaxing, and went to bed pretty early. I slept heavily until the dogs woke me. Night 2 without their Daddy and they were anxious. Slept heavily after...Woke later than usual. Took my weight and measurements, and made a protein heavy breakfast with beef, egg, and lentils. Bulletproof coffee with Cinnamon. And blogging. I think a shower will also help immensely.
I'm adding in my data below, so I don't have to write a separate blog right now. I don't want to spend the day in front of my computer. :-)
Weight Today: 260.5 (Total Weight Loss 7.5 pounds in 27 days)
Inches Lost This Week: 6.5*** (Total Inches Loss 21.75 inches in 27 days)
***Measurements include awareness of margin of error, particularly because I took my own circumference measurements today, rather than TE taking them for me...so I may not have placement of the tape exactly standard.
I don't have pictures today, as I didn't have The Engineer to take them, and when I tried to teach my cat how to take pictures with my phone, he just looked up porn and Rihanna music videos. Unhelpful.
Enjoy your Saturday, ya'll. Here's a music video for funsies, because Monster is right: Rihanna is the best. (Check out the suspension! So much fun!)
It's been a rough week. The Engineer has been out of town for the last couple days, work was very busy (although enjoyable), and there was a private issue that weighed heavily on my heart and head all week.
I'll talk about that very briefly, because I don't have many other outlets to share my feelings. I need to talk about it, but I also need to maintain the confidentiality of the person involved, as they asked me to.
Someone I love very much and feel very protective over was hurt by someone that I thought could be trusted...someone that I have previously defended when others made similar accusations regarding their behavior.
I know that human interaction is complicated, but I still believe that it's never ok to put your hands on another human in anger, unless you fear for your life. This situation...well self-defense was not the catalyst issue by any means. This situation was about control, intimidation, and...and...and I don't know what. I wasn't there, but the "victim" (and I'm using that term without them self-identifying...just trying to keep it all gender neutral and vague)...Rather...the Receiver of this violence, came to me: shaken, crying, scared.
I feel so many things about all of this. I feel pain for my friend. I feel anger at the perpetrator. I feel shame for having been an ally of theirs for so long. I feel guilt for not sharing MY experiences about this stuff. I feel powerless. And it's been difficult for me this week, processing all of this.
The receiver of the violence does not want to make waves, and stated they feared what the perpetrator might do to them. Which spawns SO MANY MORE feelings. But I respect that choice. It is their story to tell, their actions to take. Initially, I was very reactive about what happened. I saw red, and was pissed. I couldn't sleep for several days. It was triggering to me, hearing what happened. I relived some of my own history of receiving this sort of violence. My own victimization. I relived interactions with this person, in particular. While never physically violent with me, there was emotional manipulation, guilt trips, gaslighting. Many call this "emotional abuse." While in it, and shortly after...it was very difficult for me to label what I experienced as emotional abuse. I suppose I have some feelings of shame associated with being a victim of emotional abuse in my 30s. Like somehow I should be immune to this sort of treatment...immune from suddenly realizing things had gotten very very bad because "I should know better."
I feel all the things and it has been a rough week. Today feels hopeful. Some fog has lifted. I had a few good cries yesterday as my body and spirit filtered out what I could control and what I could not control. I spent the evening relaxing, and went to bed pretty early. I slept heavily until the dogs woke me. Night 2 without their Daddy and they were anxious. Slept heavily after...Woke later than usual. Took my weight and measurements, and made a protein heavy breakfast with beef, egg, and lentils. Bulletproof coffee with Cinnamon. And blogging. I think a shower will also help immensely.
I'm adding in my data below, so I don't have to write a separate blog right now. I don't want to spend the day in front of my computer. :-)
Weight Today: 260.5 (Total Weight Loss 7.5 pounds in 27 days)
Inches Lost This Week: 6.5*** (Total Inches Loss 21.75 inches in 27 days)
***Measurements include awareness of margin of error, particularly because I took my own circumference measurements today, rather than TE taking them for me...so I may not have placement of the tape exactly standard.
I don't have pictures today, as I didn't have The Engineer to take them, and when I tried to teach my cat how to take pictures with my phone, he just looked up porn and Rihanna music videos. Unhelpful.
Enjoy your Saturday, ya'll. Here's a music video for funsies, because Monster is right: Rihanna is the best. (Check out the suspension! So much fun!)
Saturday, August 22, 2015
Cheat Day: Stuff I've Discovered, and FOOD PORN!
I am drinking a Coca-Cola. A real one, with real sugar. Not Diet Coke, which I am allowed 16oz of daily, if I chose to drink it. Today is cheat day.
The Coke tastes weird, saccharine and chemical in my mouth. The first drink, cold and crisp, was nice, but each drink after has been strange. I found the same is true of Diet Coke, the longer I keep up these strange eating patterns.
Other changes that I find fascinating:
- I can drink coffee without creamer now. Just use some fresh ground cinnamon and a drop or 2 of vanilla extract, and Stevia sweetener. It's delicious!
-Every cheat day I think I WANT ICE CREAM! And then I eat a some and my stomach hurts and I get a little nauseous.
-Sugar of any form tends to make me crash really quickly on cheat day, and I get a little cranky. Also, I can eat WAY less than I used to of the stuff.
-I can eat way less of EVERYTHING than I used to. I have been historically skilled at binging, but after 20 days of this new way of eating, I am full very quickly.
-I am pretty sick of meat. This way of eating is very protein heavy and that means taking in a lot of meat. I can choke down a couple eggs, if I have to, but mostly I am getting protein from meat. And I am getting sick of it, particularly chicken. I am pretty sure I'm ready to start a vegetarian lifestyle (or nearly vegetarian lifestyle) once I have dropped a significant amount of weight.
-Refried beans are the best. With mild chilis and hot sauce, sprinkled with bacon. Yes. Mmmmmmm
-Every week I think about what I want on cheat day...and what I am able to eat during the week, and then I plan and shop and cook. I am fucking sick of thinking about food all the time. A few weeks in, however, and I'm figuring out some shortcuts so I don't have to think about food so much.
-I am terrible at breakfast, so I've started adding Bulletproof Coffee in the morning (coffee, grassfed salt-free butter, Stevia, and Cinnamon). BP Coffee should include Coconut Oil, but it tends to upset my stomach in that form so I'm going to introduce this slowly. It really helps with keeping me full in the mornings when I am not able to make a full breakfast of protein, eggs, and lentils.
-I do miss beer during the week.
-BUT! My taste in wine has completely changed! I have always loved sweet reds and whites, dessert wines. I'm American and I like things sweet. Dry wines had no place in my kitchen. They tasted like wood. Turns out when you remove sugar from your diet, your tastes change. Sweet wines are TOO MUCH now, and I have fallen in love with several Cabernets and Merlots...wines that have traditionally been far too bitter for my taste.
-I miss bread and cheese THE MOST.
It's really exciting to see all the ways my preferences are changing as I watch my body change.
And now, Food Porn. Here are some pictures of cheat day treats from the last three cheat days:
The Coke tastes weird, saccharine and chemical in my mouth. The first drink, cold and crisp, was nice, but each drink after has been strange. I found the same is true of Diet Coke, the longer I keep up these strange eating patterns.
Other changes that I find fascinating:
- I can drink coffee without creamer now. Just use some fresh ground cinnamon and a drop or 2 of vanilla extract, and Stevia sweetener. It's delicious!
-Every cheat day I think I WANT ICE CREAM! And then I eat a some and my stomach hurts and I get a little nauseous.
-Sugar of any form tends to make me crash really quickly on cheat day, and I get a little cranky. Also, I can eat WAY less than I used to of the stuff.
-I can eat way less of EVERYTHING than I used to. I have been historically skilled at binging, but after 20 days of this new way of eating, I am full very quickly.
-I am pretty sick of meat. This way of eating is very protein heavy and that means taking in a lot of meat. I can choke down a couple eggs, if I have to, but mostly I am getting protein from meat. And I am getting sick of it, particularly chicken. I am pretty sure I'm ready to start a vegetarian lifestyle (or nearly vegetarian lifestyle) once I have dropped a significant amount of weight.
-Refried beans are the best. With mild chilis and hot sauce, sprinkled with bacon. Yes. Mmmmmmm
-Every week I think about what I want on cheat day...and what I am able to eat during the week, and then I plan and shop and cook. I am fucking sick of thinking about food all the time. A few weeks in, however, and I'm figuring out some shortcuts so I don't have to think about food so much.
-I am terrible at breakfast, so I've started adding Bulletproof Coffee in the morning (coffee, grassfed salt-free butter, Stevia, and Cinnamon). BP Coffee should include Coconut Oil, but it tends to upset my stomach in that form so I'm going to introduce this slowly. It really helps with keeping me full in the mornings when I am not able to make a full breakfast of protein, eggs, and lentils.
-I do miss beer during the week.
-BUT! My taste in wine has completely changed! I have always loved sweet reds and whites, dessert wines. I'm American and I like things sweet. Dry wines had no place in my kitchen. They tasted like wood. Turns out when you remove sugar from your diet, your tastes change. Sweet wines are TOO MUCH now, and I have fallen in love with several Cabernets and Merlots...wines that have traditionally been far too bitter for my taste.
-I miss bread and cheese THE MOST.
It's really exciting to see all the ways my preferences are changing as I watch my body change.
And now, Food Porn. Here are some pictures of cheat day treats from the last three cheat days:
Weigh In: August 22 (day 20 on program)
I am such a trained, conditioned woman of the first world. Regardless of how my clothes feel, how the inches come off, how much energy I have, and how my noticeable lack of physical pain...If the numbers on the scale don't go where I want them, or expect them, or hope/wish/pray them to...I still fall to pieces a little bit. If my relationship to gravity does not change as planned I feel out of control and like a failure. I cry.
I cried while pictures were being taken today (again). I have only lost 2 pounds since last week, which puts me back to where I was after the first 7 days.
The Engineer points out we are using a new scale. This is relevant because our old scale (non-digital) went nutso this week. I did a morning weigh in yesterday...just to see...and I first weighed in at 220. This seemed unlikely, given my numbers so far...so I stepped off and weighed again. 280. Hrmmmm...I think she's dead. So we obtained a digital scale. TE points out that if the old scale was on the fritz then who really knows where we actually started out, weight wise. All we know is where we are now.
The dress-makers tape we use to measure circumference, however: Other than a margin of user error, has been reliable. He thinks sometimes we don't measure in exactly the same spots as previous weeks. This is probably true, But I doubt we're making more than 1/4 inch of error that evens out over time anyway.
But my weight. She appears to go nowhere. Or at least not where I'd like. But then I did side-by-side picture comparisons! I feel much better now.
It's very easy to see the difference in where my stomach is in relation to the breasts (note: I am wearing a different style bra in the 2nd picture, which lifts the breasts a bit more).
I see less noticeable differences in the front-shots. I see that my sides are narrower than before, and maybe my posture has improved some?
I cried while pictures were being taken today (again). I have only lost 2 pounds since last week, which puts me back to where I was after the first 7 days.
The Engineer points out we are using a new scale. This is relevant because our old scale (non-digital) went nutso this week. I did a morning weigh in yesterday...just to see...and I first weighed in at 220. This seemed unlikely, given my numbers so far...so I stepped off and weighed again. 280. Hrmmmm...I think she's dead. So we obtained a digital scale. TE points out that if the old scale was on the fritz then who really knows where we actually started out, weight wise. All we know is where we are now.
The dress-makers tape we use to measure circumference, however: Other than a margin of user error, has been reliable. He thinks sometimes we don't measure in exactly the same spots as previous weeks. This is probably true, But I doubt we're making more than 1/4 inch of error that evens out over time anyway.
But my weight. She appears to go nowhere. Or at least not where I'd like. But then I did side-by-side picture comparisons! I feel much better now.
There is a distinct difference in the shape of my back and waist to hip ratio.
| Week | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | |||
| Weigh Date | 8/2/2015 | 8/8/2015 | Diff | 8/14/2015 | Diff | 8/22/2015 | Diff |
| Weight (LBS) | 268 | 262 | -6 | 264 | 2 | 262 | -2 |
| Chest | 52" | 51.5 | 0.5 | 51.5 | 0 | 51.75 | -0.25 |
| Thigh (Right) | 28.5 | 28 | 1 | 28 | 0 | 27.35 | 0.5 |
| Calf (Right) | 16.75 | 16 | 1.5 | 16.25 | -0.5 | 16 | 0.5 |
| U Arm (Rt) | 15.5 | 15 | 1 | 14.75 | 0.5 | 14.25 | 1 |
| Forearm (Rt) | 11.5 | 11.25 | 0.5 | 11.125 | 0.25 | 11 | 0.25 |
| Upper Waist | 45.75 | 44.75 | 1 | 44 | 0.75 | 44.25 | -0.25 |
| Navel | 50" | 49.75 | 0.25 | 48.75 | 1 | 47.5 | 1.25 |
| L. Waist | 55.75 | 55.5 | 0.25 | 54.25 | 1.25 | 53.75 | 0.75 |
| Hips | 50.25 | 49.625 | 0.625 | 48.5 | 1.125 | 49 | 0.5 |
| 6.625 | 4.375 | 4.25 |
That is a total of 6 pounds lost (or maybe not...the scale may have been lying, but we'll accept it for now),
and a total of 15.25 Inches lost overall since starting 20 days ago.
I mean, reasonably speaking, 6 pounds in 20 days is not bad at all. I was hoping for drastic, fast results because I have made such drastic changes in the way I life. But I didn't get into this mess over night. Plus, I'm an American and we, culturally, seem to idolize instant gratification.
Now...I have an ice cream cake to eat.
P.S. Happy 1st Birthday to my cat, Monster (River). He gets ice cream cake too!
Friday, August 14, 2015
13 MFing Inches!!
I don't have much commentary here, except that it's easy for me to allow myself to get really upset about the weight number going up by 2 pounds since last week. Instead I'm focusing on the inches lost, which is substantial to me. My clothes feel great, I feel great, and I am seeing noticeable changes in the mirror and in pictures. I'll play with pictures later and post them when I have a few more minutes.
I have identified the things I need to improve that were lacking this week, or inhibiting weight loss:
- Not enough water
-Not enough slow-carbs (lentils beans), and therefore not enough calories consumed. I ate REALLY light all week, and not enough most of the time
-On my period for most of this week
-Weigh-in and measurements taken 1 day early due to travel schedule.
So I have my plan for next week, which will be super easy to keep up with because I'm on a glorious 8-day STAYCATION where I will do nothing but play with recipes and workout and sleeeeeeep. I looove sleeeeeep. :-)
Here are the numbers so far:
I have identified the things I need to improve that were lacking this week, or inhibiting weight loss:
- Not enough water
-Not enough slow-carbs (lentils beans), and therefore not enough calories consumed. I ate REALLY light all week, and not enough most of the time
-On my period for most of this week
-Weigh-in and measurements taken 1 day early due to travel schedule.
So I have my plan for next week, which will be super easy to keep up with because I'm on a glorious 8-day STAYCATION where I will do nothing but play with recipes and workout and sleeeeeeep. I looove sleeeeeep. :-)
Here are the numbers so far:
| Week | 1 | 2 | 3 | ||
| Weigh Date | 8/2/2015 | 8/8/2015 | Diff | 8/14/2015 | Diff |
| Weight (LBS) | 268 | 262 | -6 | 264 | 2 |
| Shoulders | 48" | 47.25 | 0.75 | 46 | 1.25 |
| Chest | 52" | 51.5 | 0.5 | 51.5 | 0 |
| Thigh (Right) | 28.5 | 28 | 1 | 28 | 0 |
| Calf (Right) | 16.75 | 16 | 1.5 | 16.25 | -0.5 |
| U Arm (Rt) | 15.5 | 15 | 1 | 14.25 | 0.5 |
| Forearm (Rt) | 11.5 | 11.25 | 0.5 | 11.125 | 0.25 |
| Upper Waist | 45.75 | 44.75 | 1 | 44 | 0.75 |
| Navel | 50" | 49.75 | 0.25 | 48.75 | 1 |
| L. Waist | 55.75 | 55.5 | 0.25 | 54.25 | 1.25 |
| Hips | 50.25 | 49.625 | 0.625 | 48.5 | 1.125 |
| 7.375 | 5.625 |
Total pounds lost to date: 4 pounds
Total inches lost to date: 13 muthafukkin' inches!! (That's the scientific denotation, btw)
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
Happy Birthday for One
I had considered cheating...just a little...because today is my birthday. I thought that I might allow myself one piece of candy as a reward for- what? Not dying yet? Making it to 33 years. I asked The Engineer what he would do, if it were his birthday. Would he cheat, just a little. He didn't answer the question. He never answers those kind of questions. Instead, all he said was that it seems our results are directly related to the degree to which we follow the plan. Which, in a way was an answer.
I am having great results so far. I am not weighing myself everyday, but I feel amazing, and jeans that I just bought a few weeks ago are already loose on me. I have energy, and I am feeling proud of my progress and efforts. I am starting to see changes in the mirror, as well. A thinning in my face, and a slimming of my sides, if only slightly.
I was forced to cheat slightly at breakfast. Well...forced is a strong word. I needed to eat breakfast, and I was in a hotel. Plain eggs, and some sort of protein/meat are generally things I can count on. But the eggs at this particular hotel: Cheese omelets. So my choice was to eat a little dairy with my eggs, or have only bacon for breakfast. I decided to eat some eggs, bacon, and have a protein shake after. I knew the likelihood of having time for lunch was slim.
Lunch ended up being some bell pepper slices, half an avocado, and another protein shake.
The Engineer and I both frequently work out of town, me more often than him (every week to his every month or so). Occasionally, our out of town trips overlap, and sometimes...they fall on special occasions.
Today, on my birthday...I was working in Southeastern KY, and he was somewhere in Virginia. we had plans to meet up for dinner and go to a steakhouse for meat and vegetables...and good wine.
I left my clinic at about 4:30, and around 5:30 he texted that he would not be back in town until after 11pm. I was sad. I actually cried a little because I am a girl and it is my birthday, and I wanted to spend it with someone other than clients telling me their worst life stories. I wanted to eat dinner with my love and snuggle up with him and enjoy my birthday.
I remembered then how I use food to cover emotions that are unpleasant. As the tears subsided, I had an intense urge...a craving for something sweet and comforting. I wanted ice cream.
There is a place on the drive back from the clinic I call The Ice Cream Castle. It's just a gas station, but the building looks like something one would find at Disney World:
And inside? A Baskin Robbins ice cream shop. It is tradition for me to stop and get two scoops of mint chocolate chip ice cream in a waffle cone.
Today, I desperately wanted that ice cream cone. I was going to spend my birthday alone. Isn't that a sad thought? I was going to spend my birthday alone fuck it, I want ice cream.
I decided to put on an audiobook instead, to distract me. Well fuck all. Jodi Picoult can go eat a dick, because I cried for the next hour, and we were only on chapter 1 of Sing You Home.
The Engineer told me I could open my birthday presents when I got home. He didn't want me to wait on him. The offer made me sadder. I wanted to wait for him.
I did not stop for ice cream. I wanted to. It was a struggle not to. I wanted to feel good, and I had a moment of forgetting how to feel good without something sweet or something bread-like. Food is my most trusted comfort, and I was choosing to deal with my emotions rather than feed them. It was difficult. I decided to just keep crying and feel it. Seems like I'm crying a lot lately, but when major changes are happening- well aren't those usually painful, even when they are glorious?
I drove right past my Ice Cream Castle. I was too into the book I was listening to, and crying about it. Once I stopped crying (again) I decided to get a good steak and cauliflower, both of which are definitely compliant with the diet. I also got a bottle of my favorite West Virginia wine. I'd cook up the steak, mostly rare, and steam the cauliflower until mushy, and beat with butter and garlic for something like mashed potatoes but healthier. I'd wait for The Engineer to get home and then I'd open my presents.
That was...until I got home and saw the bag.
Well shiiiiiit. Have we entered the part of the relationship where giving jewelry is appropriate? We live together now, officially...but Jewelry?!?! AHHHHH! This immediately improved my mood.
Don't misunderstand...I'm not someone who needs jewelry to know that someone loves me. I don't have a meter by which I measure the quality of the relationship that is scored with diamonds and gemstones or silver and gold. I love practical gifts, useful gifts...the gifts that sit-coms make fun of (blenders, vaccums, things I will USE over and over). Books are great gifts, but generally I'm one to ask for gift cards. Let me choose because I'm pretty independent and I'm also picky sometimes.
I've only received jewelry as a present one other time (from a partner) that was not my engagement ring. My first husband gave me a beautiful white gold bracelet with delicate diamond chips. It is beautiful and I still wear it sometimes.
So to see this bag made me very excited! This doesn't happen much and I had to sneak a peak. There were 2 boxes inside. TWO!
Ok...I opened them. I coudn't wait, I needed to see what this lovely amazing man had picked for me!
Oh my. Ohhhhh myyyyy. Daddy did good! His taste is phenomenal and he really does know me.
Blue saphire and diamond earrings, and a ring. The ring needs to be sized, it only fits on my pinky right now. But oh my goodness. This man. I love this man. I love him without the pretties...but goodness these are lovely. I cried (AGAIN!) when I opened them.
I put the earrings in immediately and cooked with them on, singing my favorite songs and forgetting that I was eating alone.
I made my dinner, poured my wine. It was delicious. Now I'm writing this blog and watching a movie I'd been meaning to watch for awhile now, and I am having a delightful birthday.
The Engineer will be home soon. I think I'll leave the earrings in tonight. :-)
I am having great results so far. I am not weighing myself everyday, but I feel amazing, and jeans that I just bought a few weeks ago are already loose on me. I have energy, and I am feeling proud of my progress and efforts. I am starting to see changes in the mirror, as well. A thinning in my face, and a slimming of my sides, if only slightly.
I was forced to cheat slightly at breakfast. Well...forced is a strong word. I needed to eat breakfast, and I was in a hotel. Plain eggs, and some sort of protein/meat are generally things I can count on. But the eggs at this particular hotel: Cheese omelets. So my choice was to eat a little dairy with my eggs, or have only bacon for breakfast. I decided to eat some eggs, bacon, and have a protein shake after. I knew the likelihood of having time for lunch was slim.
Lunch ended up being some bell pepper slices, half an avocado, and another protein shake.
The Engineer and I both frequently work out of town, me more often than him (every week to his every month or so). Occasionally, our out of town trips overlap, and sometimes...they fall on special occasions.
Today, on my birthday...I was working in Southeastern KY, and he was somewhere in Virginia. we had plans to meet up for dinner and go to a steakhouse for meat and vegetables...and good wine.
I left my clinic at about 4:30, and around 5:30 he texted that he would not be back in town until after 11pm. I was sad. I actually cried a little because I am a girl and it is my birthday, and I wanted to spend it with someone other than clients telling me their worst life stories. I wanted to eat dinner with my love and snuggle up with him and enjoy my birthday.
I remembered then how I use food to cover emotions that are unpleasant. As the tears subsided, I had an intense urge...a craving for something sweet and comforting. I wanted ice cream.
There is a place on the drive back from the clinic I call The Ice Cream Castle. It's just a gas station, but the building looks like something one would find at Disney World:
And inside? A Baskin Robbins ice cream shop. It is tradition for me to stop and get two scoops of mint chocolate chip ice cream in a waffle cone.
Today, I desperately wanted that ice cream cone. I was going to spend my birthday alone. Isn't that a sad thought? I was going to spend my birthday alone fuck it, I want ice cream.
I decided to put on an audiobook instead, to distract me. Well fuck all. Jodi Picoult can go eat a dick, because I cried for the next hour, and we were only on chapter 1 of Sing You Home.
The Engineer told me I could open my birthday presents when I got home. He didn't want me to wait on him. The offer made me sadder. I wanted to wait for him.
I did not stop for ice cream. I wanted to. It was a struggle not to. I wanted to feel good, and I had a moment of forgetting how to feel good without something sweet or something bread-like. Food is my most trusted comfort, and I was choosing to deal with my emotions rather than feed them. It was difficult. I decided to just keep crying and feel it. Seems like I'm crying a lot lately, but when major changes are happening- well aren't those usually painful, even when they are glorious?
I drove right past my Ice Cream Castle. I was too into the book I was listening to, and crying about it. Once I stopped crying (again) I decided to get a good steak and cauliflower, both of which are definitely compliant with the diet. I also got a bottle of my favorite West Virginia wine. I'd cook up the steak, mostly rare, and steam the cauliflower until mushy, and beat with butter and garlic for something like mashed potatoes but healthier. I'd wait for The Engineer to get home and then I'd open my presents.
That was...until I got home and saw the bag.
Well shiiiiiit. Have we entered the part of the relationship where giving jewelry is appropriate? We live together now, officially...but Jewelry?!?! AHHHHH! This immediately improved my mood.
Don't misunderstand...I'm not someone who needs jewelry to know that someone loves me. I don't have a meter by which I measure the quality of the relationship that is scored with diamonds and gemstones or silver and gold. I love practical gifts, useful gifts...the gifts that sit-coms make fun of (blenders, vaccums, things I will USE over and over). Books are great gifts, but generally I'm one to ask for gift cards. Let me choose because I'm pretty independent and I'm also picky sometimes.
I've only received jewelry as a present one other time (from a partner) that was not my engagement ring. My first husband gave me a beautiful white gold bracelet with delicate diamond chips. It is beautiful and I still wear it sometimes.
So to see this bag made me very excited! This doesn't happen much and I had to sneak a peak. There were 2 boxes inside. TWO!
Ok...I opened them. I coudn't wait, I needed to see what this lovely amazing man had picked for me!
Oh my. Ohhhhh myyyyy. Daddy did good! His taste is phenomenal and he really does know me.
Blue saphire and diamond earrings, and a ring. The ring needs to be sized, it only fits on my pinky right now. But oh my goodness. This man. I love this man. I love him without the pretties...but goodness these are lovely. I cried (AGAIN!) when I opened them.
I put the earrings in immediately and cooked with them on, singing my favorite songs and forgetting that I was eating alone.
I made my dinner, poured my wine. It was delicious. Now I'm writing this blog and watching a movie I'd been meaning to watch for awhile now, and I am having a delightful birthday.
The Engineer will be home soon. I think I'll leave the earrings in tonight. :-)
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
5:15AM?
My alarm went off at 5:15am today. I had a long drive ahead of me, but not so long or far that I needed to rouse myself at this ungodly hour. I'm not typically a morning person, especially when curled up with The Engineer, windows open, cool near-fall breeze blowing through white curtains.
I know, I paint an idyllic picture. So when my alarm went off, I half expected to shut it off, hit snooze for the first of 7 or so times. But I tried to wake up my man, then bounded off downstairs, cheerful as could be.
Sickening. Really, I'm disgusted with myself.
A little over a week ago, I tried my first workout, as prescribed by 4HB. Remember, we are talking Minimally Effective Dose, so when I read that the workout takes between 5-10 minutes, I was all "let's go!"
I was embarrassed to start. T.E. wanted to work out together. I wanted to crawl in a hole and hide until he went away. I was the fat kid in gym class. I never made it even 1/4 of the way up that damn rope. I sucked at basketball...and running? Ha. The idea of my love watching me sweat it out was as scary as I could imagine in that moment. These were new exercises to us both, so I watched him first, helped him correct posture or leg placement, stuff like that. When it was my turn, I asked him for a couple of favors.
1. Could he please not laugh at me, or ridicule me, or make fun of me in any way? (There was, realistically, about 0% chance of this happening, but I needed to hear the reassurance.)
2. Could he please not watch right away? Let me start and then ask for help if I needed it.
I was very nervous about working out with the kettle-bells, a piece of gym equipment I have seen used, but had never picked up before that day.
The workout begins with 15 dead lifts of the KB (kettle-bell). Stand facing a wall with your feed about 6" back, legs spread a bit, toes at 10 and 2. Place KB in the middle, and lift to standing, placing KB back in same spot each time. You stand next to the wall to get the proper alignment, so you aren't lifting with your back (if you try, you'll hit your face on the wall). After that, Ferris recommends 15 kind of pre-swing moves. Standing away from the wall (middle of room), lift and swing KB just a bit forward and let the downswing go between your legs. Follow this with actually full KB swings, bringing the KB out to about face height in front of you.
Here's a pic, courtesy of Women's Health Magazine:
T. E purchased a 25 pound KB to start us out.
Holy fuck. Holy fucking fuck. 75 reps. Dear god. I thought I was going to dieeeeee.
Follow that with 20 "lay on your back and fuck the air type moves" (I think Ferris calls it something about Glute Raises or something):
Then end with the Flying Dog. (Raise left arm, right leg x 15, then repeat with right arm, left leg):
After this workout, which took....eh...probably 15 minutes between my panting and death rattle...I could barely walk. My legs felt like jell-o and I wanted to cut them off. I got in a cold shower immediately, but was in such immense pain the rest of that night and the next day. I could barely get up the stairs without dragging myself up the banister with my arms. Sitting down to pee was a 10 minute chore of maneuvering and bargaining with a sadistic god.
I called upon my friends on the Facebook for advice. I need to do this workout 3x a week and on my rest day I could not walk! Crowd sourcing is an amazing thing. Here's what I learned:
-Stretch (OH, right...I forgot that was a thing. O__o)
-Ice
-Protein immediately after workout
-Foam Massage Roll (must order this thing, it looks awesome!)
I am going to try ice baths soon, just not yet.
I stretched repeatedly on my rest day, trying to recover. By the time I was ready for my 2nd attempt at this workout, I was still in pain, but less so. I began with some yoga to limber up a bit (5 sun salutations, then some butterflies, half-saddles, and cow-face. Stretched out my legs, particularly my hips and thighs.
I only did about 15 dead lifts for that second workout, and then moved on to the glute raises and flying dogs. I wasn't about to injure myself further. Then I did a protein shake (8oz water with powder mix), and iced the tops of my thighs and back for about 10-15 min. each.
By Friday, the third workout, I was able to do 50 swings, and then the rest of the workout as prescribed. It was laborious...and I laid on the floor and cried after my last flying dog. I have this weird (but not too painful) feeling in the back of my knees when I extend for the flying dog. It's like one of my ligaments is a guitar string someone is plucking. It's not really painful, necessarily, but it's disconcerting. And I was on my period, and cramping, and I was HUNGRY. Ohhh soo hungry. Or rather, I was CRAVING. Sugar, starch, mainly. Bread or pasta, cheese. Stuff like that. I was exhausted and I just cried for a few minutes.
I should mention that by this point, I was fine with The Engineer being in the room while I worked out. I trusted him to keep the space sacred as I struggle with this stuff, and he does. He corrects my posture, reminds me to flex my foot at the right time, and goes back to reading or doing whatever. He's not judging me. In fact, I think he's kind of proud.
I finished crying as I stretched out, and sniffled my way into the kitchen to mix up my shake, get my ice packs, and obtain a spoonful of glorious, heavenly peanut butter. I licked this luxuriously like an ice cream cone while I iced myself and told T.E. about why I was crying. He let me cry and didn't try to fix it or comfort me or rescue me.
Sunday, a day early, I did the workout for a 4th time, with no issues. There was a feeling of pushing myself, challenging my muscles, and oh god do I sweat in the 8 minutes this workout takes me. But there was no pain. My body is already adjusting.
And this morning, and 5:15, I bounded out of bed to do my workout before anything else, excited to put this spin on my day first thing. I did the FULL 75 reps (7.5 sets of 10, 30-60 seconds of rest between sets) of the KB swing, and did all the other exercises without stopping to rest, like I had been. And I felt amazing! I know we are only embarking on week 2, but my god I can already feel my body changing. I can feel muscles moving, taking shape, and my stamina is improving. I am also planning on upping the KB weight after several weeks, so that I continue challenging myself.
Before we began the plan, The Engineer joked with me that "You might even become addicted to exercise," and I politely threw him shade and said "unlikely."
Turns out my Engineer might know a thing or two. This shit rocks! :-)
I know, I paint an idyllic picture. So when my alarm went off, I half expected to shut it off, hit snooze for the first of 7 or so times. But I tried to wake up my man, then bounded off downstairs, cheerful as could be.
Sickening. Really, I'm disgusted with myself.
A little over a week ago, I tried my first workout, as prescribed by 4HB. Remember, we are talking Minimally Effective Dose, so when I read that the workout takes between 5-10 minutes, I was all "let's go!"
I was embarrassed to start. T.E. wanted to work out together. I wanted to crawl in a hole and hide until he went away. I was the fat kid in gym class. I never made it even 1/4 of the way up that damn rope. I sucked at basketball...and running? Ha. The idea of my love watching me sweat it out was as scary as I could imagine in that moment. These were new exercises to us both, so I watched him first, helped him correct posture or leg placement, stuff like that. When it was my turn, I asked him for a couple of favors.
1. Could he please not laugh at me, or ridicule me, or make fun of me in any way? (There was, realistically, about 0% chance of this happening, but I needed to hear the reassurance.)
2. Could he please not watch right away? Let me start and then ask for help if I needed it.
I was very nervous about working out with the kettle-bells, a piece of gym equipment I have seen used, but had never picked up before that day.
The workout begins with 15 dead lifts of the KB (kettle-bell). Stand facing a wall with your feed about 6" back, legs spread a bit, toes at 10 and 2. Place KB in the middle, and lift to standing, placing KB back in same spot each time. You stand next to the wall to get the proper alignment, so you aren't lifting with your back (if you try, you'll hit your face on the wall). After that, Ferris recommends 15 kind of pre-swing moves. Standing away from the wall (middle of room), lift and swing KB just a bit forward and let the downswing go between your legs. Follow this with actually full KB swings, bringing the KB out to about face height in front of you.
Here's a pic, courtesy of Women's Health Magazine:
T. E purchased a 25 pound KB to start us out.
Holy fuck. Holy fucking fuck. 75 reps. Dear god. I thought I was going to dieeeeee.
Follow that with 20 "lay on your back and fuck the air type moves" (I think Ferris calls it something about Glute Raises or something):
After this workout, which took....eh...probably 15 minutes between my panting and death rattle...I could barely walk. My legs felt like jell-o and I wanted to cut them off. I got in a cold shower immediately, but was in such immense pain the rest of that night and the next day. I could barely get up the stairs without dragging myself up the banister with my arms. Sitting down to pee was a 10 minute chore of maneuvering and bargaining with a sadistic god.
I called upon my friends on the Facebook for advice. I need to do this workout 3x a week and on my rest day I could not walk! Crowd sourcing is an amazing thing. Here's what I learned:
-Stretch (OH, right...I forgot that was a thing. O__o)
-Ice
-Protein immediately after workout
-Foam Massage Roll (must order this thing, it looks awesome!)
I am going to try ice baths soon, just not yet.
I stretched repeatedly on my rest day, trying to recover. By the time I was ready for my 2nd attempt at this workout, I was still in pain, but less so. I began with some yoga to limber up a bit (5 sun salutations, then some butterflies, half-saddles, and cow-face. Stretched out my legs, particularly my hips and thighs.
I only did about 15 dead lifts for that second workout, and then moved on to the glute raises and flying dogs. I wasn't about to injure myself further. Then I did a protein shake (8oz water with powder mix), and iced the tops of my thighs and back for about 10-15 min. each.
By Friday, the third workout, I was able to do 50 swings, and then the rest of the workout as prescribed. It was laborious...and I laid on the floor and cried after my last flying dog. I have this weird (but not too painful) feeling in the back of my knees when I extend for the flying dog. It's like one of my ligaments is a guitar string someone is plucking. It's not really painful, necessarily, but it's disconcerting. And I was on my period, and cramping, and I was HUNGRY. Ohhh soo hungry. Or rather, I was CRAVING. Sugar, starch, mainly. Bread or pasta, cheese. Stuff like that. I was exhausted and I just cried for a few minutes.
I should mention that by this point, I was fine with The Engineer being in the room while I worked out. I trusted him to keep the space sacred as I struggle with this stuff, and he does. He corrects my posture, reminds me to flex my foot at the right time, and goes back to reading or doing whatever. He's not judging me. In fact, I think he's kind of proud.
I finished crying as I stretched out, and sniffled my way into the kitchen to mix up my shake, get my ice packs, and obtain a spoonful of glorious, heavenly peanut butter. I licked this luxuriously like an ice cream cone while I iced myself and told T.E. about why I was crying. He let me cry and didn't try to fix it or comfort me or rescue me.
Sunday, a day early, I did the workout for a 4th time, with no issues. There was a feeling of pushing myself, challenging my muscles, and oh god do I sweat in the 8 minutes this workout takes me. But there was no pain. My body is already adjusting.
And this morning, and 5:15, I bounded out of bed to do my workout before anything else, excited to put this spin on my day first thing. I did the FULL 75 reps (7.5 sets of 10, 30-60 seconds of rest between sets) of the KB swing, and did all the other exercises without stopping to rest, like I had been. And I felt amazing! I know we are only embarking on week 2, but my god I can already feel my body changing. I can feel muscles moving, taking shape, and my stamina is improving. I am also planning on upping the KB weight after several weeks, so that I continue challenging myself.
Before we began the plan, The Engineer joked with me that "You might even become addicted to exercise," and I politely threw him shade and said "unlikely."
Turns out my Engineer might know a thing or two. This shit rocks! :-)
Saturday, August 8, 2015
First week down, and here are the results!
Six days without sugar, six days without any simple carbohydrates. Six days of no dairy. Only meat, lentils, vegetables...And several hard, but simple, brief workouts. I wasn't expecting the results I got, but I am very pleased.
| Week | 1 | 2 | |
| Weigh Date | 8/2/2015 | 8/8/2015 | Diff |
| Weight (LBS) | 268 | 262 | -6 |
| Shoulders | 48" | 47.25 | 0.75 |
| Chest | 52" | 51.5 | 0.5 |
| Thigh (Right) | 28.5 | 28 | 1 |
| Calf (Right) | 16.75 | 16 | 1.5 |
| U Arm (Rt) | 15.5 | 15 | 1 |
| Forearm (Rt) | 11.5 | 11.25 | 0.5 |
| Upper Waist | 45.75 | 44.75 | 1 |
| Navel | 50" | 49.75 | 0.25 |
| L. Waist | 55.75 | 55.5 | 0.25 |
| Hips | 50.25 | 49.625 | 0.625 |
| 7.375 |
Six pounds lost, and over 7 inches from all over my body. I doubled the difference for Thigh, Calf, U Arm, Forearm to assume equal change on both sides of the body.
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
Hunger
It's Wednesday, and work is slow, and things are on my mind.
The Engineer and I had a conversation last night about hunger. We are both hungry, which in nutritional terms means we aren't getting enough of something...probably protein. By today, I am already getting sick of the texture of beans, and he's sick of gas. I want to add more spinach and tomatoes, more chicken and fish. But we are hungry and feeling deprived, and this struck us both as absolutely ridiculous.
We have spent the last four days eating vegetables of amazing quality, beans aplenty, and beautiful fish, beef, and chicken. We have enjoyed butter, a king's ransom of spices, and some of the best red wine I have tasted. And still, we hunger.
For what? We have more than enough. Granted, we may not be eating enough calories, technically, but I guess what I'm getting at has nothing to do with our nutritional goals. We are feeling deprived on this meal plan, when there are people, millions of people, who know actual hunger.
What we are going through is self-induced and chosen. It is a luxury we are afforded, to chose to be hungry, or chose to be gluttonous. We are both mentally creating our cheat lists for Saturday, and I will just go ahead and say that I am embarrassed about my list.
Bread, sugar, ice cream, chips. Luxuries. And I plan on bingeing on them. Or I was.
Now...I don't know. The cravings are still here, and my list still exists. I will eat some of these forbidden foods on my cheat day, but I will do so mindful of the great privilege I have to make that choice. The privilege that I live in a world where it feels like deprivation to eat only juicy luscious vegetables and succulent, clean meats. How insane is that?
But this world I live in, this privilege I have as an American...as an "Upper Class" American, according to current economic definitions, this is the world that helped create the health crisis I am in right now. This privilege, and my all-too-long lack of awareness of it being a privilege, has created this Fat Girl.
I wish I could end this thought with something life changing or epiphanic, but I got nothing. Nothing but awareness....and pause.
The Engineer and I had a conversation last night about hunger. We are both hungry, which in nutritional terms means we aren't getting enough of something...probably protein. By today, I am already getting sick of the texture of beans, and he's sick of gas. I want to add more spinach and tomatoes, more chicken and fish. But we are hungry and feeling deprived, and this struck us both as absolutely ridiculous.
We have spent the last four days eating vegetables of amazing quality, beans aplenty, and beautiful fish, beef, and chicken. We have enjoyed butter, a king's ransom of spices, and some of the best red wine I have tasted. And still, we hunger.
For what? We have more than enough. Granted, we may not be eating enough calories, technically, but I guess what I'm getting at has nothing to do with our nutritional goals. We are feeling deprived on this meal plan, when there are people, millions of people, who know actual hunger.
What we are going through is self-induced and chosen. It is a luxury we are afforded, to chose to be hungry, or chose to be gluttonous. We are both mentally creating our cheat lists for Saturday, and I will just go ahead and say that I am embarrassed about my list.
Bread, sugar, ice cream, chips. Luxuries. And I plan on bingeing on them. Or I was.
Now...I don't know. The cravings are still here, and my list still exists. I will eat some of these forbidden foods on my cheat day, but I will do so mindful of the great privilege I have to make that choice. The privilege that I live in a world where it feels like deprivation to eat only juicy luscious vegetables and succulent, clean meats. How insane is that?
But this world I live in, this privilege I have as an American...as an "Upper Class" American, according to current economic definitions, this is the world that helped create the health crisis I am in right now. This privilege, and my all-too-long lack of awareness of it being a privilege, has created this Fat Girl.
I wish I could end this thought with something life changing or epiphanic, but I got nothing. Nothing but awareness....and pause.
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
Fun In The Kitchen
I used to love to cook. I would do it all the time, experimenting with recipes and new foods. I was also a huge fan of Paula Dean (back before she was exposed as a racist twat). So my recipes consisted of lots of butter, sugar, fats, carbs...mmmmm
This nutrition plan, as I outlined in the last post, requires me to make some, er, modifications to my previous cooking style. I first called it a diet, but I know that thinking of it as a "diet" implies temporary change, or something to get through. I hope to assimilate the changes I'm making into long-term habits.
Thank god for cheat day is all I can say.
So The Engineer and I have been playing around in the kitchen. I'm posting some pictures with brief descriptions. So far everything has been pretty tasty! Nothing has tasted too much like "diet food" which is the goal.
First Experiment:
A tuna salad without mayo.
White albacore tuna in water, drained. Added salt and pepper, olive oil, red pepper flakes, thyme, rosemary, chickpeas, red pepper and onion. On a bed of spinach and tomato. This was really delicious and I'll probably make a bigger batch to eat for lunch over the course of a week. It was pretty filling, as well.
Second Experiment:
Vegetables with curry, chicken, kielbasa.
The Engineer actually makes this dish fairly frequently with regularly frozen mixed veg (carrots, peas, green beans). We used frozen green beans and peas and left out the carrot. Red beans, chopped up sweet peppers, cauliflower, chicken breast (boneless/skinless), and a small amount of (I believe Pork) kielbasa meat. Add some chicken stock and "better than bullion," as well as spices like cumin, hot curry, etc. The only mild cheat here is about 1/4C golden raisins, but in the batch this size, that's barley anything. This is one of my favorite dishes made the "regular" way, and this one is delicious as well. It almost tastes like a curried-chicken stew. Love it. This is lunch for the week.
Third Experiment:
Breakfast. 4HB calls for you to eat a high protein breakfast within 30-60 minutes of waking, EVERY DAY. The Engineer is not a breakfast guy, and French Toast at Bob Evans is my middle name (I know, long name). When I'm on the road for work....Well, I won't say the McDonald's Drive-Through ladies know me by name, but I do have distinct tattoo-age. They see me coming. So finding a fast, easy breakfast we would both eat sounded daunting. I love my carbs in the morning...that sugar shock to get me awake and moving. But Protein is the answer to a question I maybe wish I hadn't asked. *grin*
I decided to do these egg-bake things a friend of mine showed me. He just puts egg/eggwhite mixture into muffin tins and bakes. I added stuff:
Mix it all together, pour into muffin tins. I baked around 15-20 minutes at 375.
And they came out looking fuckin' weird. What the hell is this?? I stuck 2 in the microwave for about 1.5 minutes, cut up and slather in Frank's Red Hot, and they are actually pretty delicious. Would be even better with cheese, but did I mention no dairy? *sigh* This is breakfast for the week, and so far we've both been compliant with eating it.
Dinner at the end of Day 2 on the plan was seared Ahi Tuna steaks with spices, steamed broccoli with garlic, and sliced roma tomatoes with salt and pepper. Only experiment here is could we do this dish without garlic bread and not die? So far so good...but we were both seriously craving some toasty garlic bread at the end. The dry red (a West Virginia wine) was a delicious pairing.
This nutrition plan, as I outlined in the last post, requires me to make some, er, modifications to my previous cooking style. I first called it a diet, but I know that thinking of it as a "diet" implies temporary change, or something to get through. I hope to assimilate the changes I'm making into long-term habits.
Thank god for cheat day is all I can say.
So The Engineer and I have been playing around in the kitchen. I'm posting some pictures with brief descriptions. So far everything has been pretty tasty! Nothing has tasted too much like "diet food" which is the goal.
First Experiment:
A tuna salad without mayo.
White albacore tuna in water, drained. Added salt and pepper, olive oil, red pepper flakes, thyme, rosemary, chickpeas, red pepper and onion. On a bed of spinach and tomato. This was really delicious and I'll probably make a bigger batch to eat for lunch over the course of a week. It was pretty filling, as well.
Second Experiment:
Vegetables with curry, chicken, kielbasa.
The Engineer actually makes this dish fairly frequently with regularly frozen mixed veg (carrots, peas, green beans). We used frozen green beans and peas and left out the carrot. Red beans, chopped up sweet peppers, cauliflower, chicken breast (boneless/skinless), and a small amount of (I believe Pork) kielbasa meat. Add some chicken stock and "better than bullion," as well as spices like cumin, hot curry, etc. The only mild cheat here is about 1/4C golden raisins, but in the batch this size, that's barley anything. This is one of my favorite dishes made the "regular" way, and this one is delicious as well. It almost tastes like a curried-chicken stew. Love it. This is lunch for the week.
Third Experiment:
Breakfast. 4HB calls for you to eat a high protein breakfast within 30-60 minutes of waking, EVERY DAY. The Engineer is not a breakfast guy, and French Toast at Bob Evans is my middle name (I know, long name). When I'm on the road for work....Well, I won't say the McDonald's Drive-Through ladies know me by name, but I do have distinct tattoo-age. They see me coming. So finding a fast, easy breakfast we would both eat sounded daunting. I love my carbs in the morning...that sugar shock to get me awake and moving. But Protein is the answer to a question I maybe wish I hadn't asked. *grin*
I decided to do these egg-bake things a friend of mine showed me. He just puts egg/eggwhite mixture into muffin tins and bakes. I added stuff:
Red beans, chopped peppers, onion, mushroom, spinach, and some leftover turkey breast lunchmeat (not pictured), One carton Break-Free egg-whites (about 10 eggs worth), and 4 whole, brown eggs (cage free, organic).
Mix it all together, pour into muffin tins. I baked around 15-20 minutes at 375.
Dinner at the end of Day 2 on the plan was seared Ahi Tuna steaks with spices, steamed broccoli with garlic, and sliced roma tomatoes with salt and pepper. Only experiment here is could we do this dish without garlic bread and not die? So far so good...but we were both seriously craving some toasty garlic bread at the end. The dry red (a West Virginia wine) was a delicious pairing.
Dinner tonight was seared flank steak that I marinated in lime juice, fresh garlic, and fresh ground red pepper flakes, sliced on top of spinach and tomato. I made black beans with onion, garlic, peppers, and lemon juice to go with. No pictures tonight. The Kid is here and we were all starving, so dinner was fast and then it was gone!
Don't worry...I won't be posting every bloody thing we eat, but if it's an experiment or looks particularly beautiful....or ends up being nasty as hell, I'll post about it. I'm taking pictures of just about everything I eat. It's faster than writing it down, honestly.
So far I am realizing that when I'm not filling my body with carbs, I really don't eat enough because I find myself hungry a LOT. Ferris said this is indication of not taking in enough protein and slow-carbs (beans and lentils). The breakfast "muffins" actually fill me up for about 4 hours before I start to notice I want lunch. The curried veg, however, does not keep me full long at all, and I'm pretty hungry by the time I drive home from work. Today it was a struggle not to stop for snack after work. I just chugged water and started cooking ASAP. Fish seems to be the most filling of the meats, for me, anyway. I could eat broccoli every day.
Tomorrow I'll tell you about the workouts. Because fuck all they are tough. Luckily, they are stupid short.
P.S.
Ferris recommends when you have a craving, jot it down and save it for cheat day. Here's my list so far:
Ferris recommends when you have a craving, jot it down and save it for cheat day. Here's my list so far:
Melted cheese and tortilla chips
A whole loaf of rosemary potato bread dipped in alfredo sauce
Milky Way bar
Ice cream
Cream filled doughnut with chocolate icing
The Engineer wants Shoney's breakfast bar like nobody's business. So Saturday after weigh-in and measurements, we are off to Shoney's!
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