Outta spoons and fucks.

Today was one of those unspeakably terrible days that you just can't quite describe in full horror with human words.  Lions might have a word for it, or baby seals...but not humans.  I'm going to run down a list of today's events, then explain.

1.  First client of the day was late, and was a tiny little cunt-in-training.  She was accompanied by Grand-Mothercunt.

2. I was in such a sudden and intense level of pain from a medical issue that I got dizzy and threw up.

3.  I got home after a 12 hour day to find the dogs (really, just one of the dogs, but because I didn't see it I shant point fingers at thelittle bitch hiding her face under the table), had torn apart a full kitchen trashcan and left me presents to clean up all over the downstairs.

4.  Someone (this time I really mean someone...could have been me, could have been The Engineer, as we were both late as fuck getting up today, or could have- more than likley- been the goddamn cat) left the bedroom door open and aforementioned dogs wallowed in the bed.  They are shedders.

Is that all?  I think that's all.  Really, I don't need any more than that.  I ran out of spoons.*

Three of the four above are pretty common occurrences, actually.  And don't generally bother me much.  But number two?  That was the variable that made it all topple.

I suffer (and I do mean *suffer*) from Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, and Endometriosis. Both of these issues can be painful.  Together? They can knock me out.  What are they?  Google it.  Basicially PCOS means lots of cysts (poly) on your ovaries (ovarian-duh).  Endometriosis is what happens when the endometrial tissue that lines the uterus goes rogue and implants on other organs (ovaries, Fallopian tubes, cervix), and even up the spine and onto the kidneys in some severe cases.

I'm in pain when I ovulate, when I have my period, and sometimes any-damn-time my cunt feels like torturing me.  Some months are better than others, definitely.  Diet and exercise do influence changes.  (For instance, prolonged gluten abstinence significantly decreased period-cramps, and yoga helps decrease overall pain levels everywhere).  But sometimes it feels like chance.

I was a week late, which is abnormal.  Of all the symptoms I have, I tend to be regularish, which is unique.  I have noticed a correlation (not 1.0, but still...upward) that the later my period starts, the more severe the pain I'll have during.  I was 6 days late, this month.  Started this morning.  And 6 hours later, the pain hit.  I had just eaten lunch (late, rushed, and soup) when the dizziness hit.  I felt feverish and sweaty, and then the pain.  Familiar, not alarming.  And nearly unbearable.  And then my lunch left me.

The only other time it was this bad, I ended up in the ER with a suspected ectopic.  Test was negative.  It was the PCOS and endo.

Today was a severe pain (9 of 10) kind of day.  It took most of my spoons to deal and see clients, most of whom were either very cranky or were in the throws of an emotional crisis.  I'm not the most woo, but I'm pretty sure one of them shot her negative energy at me and I absorbed it because the pain kept me open and unshielded.

The drive home was long (but I skipped the ice cream castle this time), and a long drive in pain feels endless.  Then to come home and the house...the dogs.  *Sigh*

I slammed a few doors (satisfying), and smacked a wall (that hurt).  Then I worked out (kettlebells, mytatic crunches, and front and side planks).  I exhausted my poor self.  Sweat everywhere.  Jumped in a coldcold shower, poored wine, and made a steak salad.  I feel better.  Or at least, am unperturbed by my lack of spoons and fucks at this moment.

Texts from The Engineer and The Professor (a new, hopefully not just walk-on character) helped improve my mood.  Took some pain killers and life is ok.  I had a dark chocolate Hershey bar on the way home, when I stopped for Tylenol.  Blood sugar was low and I had run out of Plan Fucks.  Chocolate was being consumed, aight?

And as I sit and think, the wine kicking in and food hitting my belly, I recognize the glorious hyperbole of my first sentences.  Was today bad?  Yes.  But I'm alive, and the pain has left, as it always does.  All limbs are in tact, my loved ones are safe.  I have said wine and food and belly.  It was bad.  And now it's over.  Tomorrow, I get more spoons?

*Spoons is a reference to this article on Spoon Theory for chronic health conditions.  My PCOS and endo are chronic, but not always a problem.  I also suffer from depression and anxiety that take spoons, on occasion, also.

Here's the article, if you are interested.

http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

35 Days

I've been bad about blogging this week, which may show in my results.  I also didn't do well on plan.  I wrote, a few days ago, about wanting to cheat.  I hoped that sharing that, that telling on myself, would keep me honest and on course.  That night, it worked.  I went out with friends, and while what I actually wanted to eat involved potatoes slathered in cheese..I got steak, green beans, and a side salad with no cheese or croutons.  And red wine.  Ignore the roll in the picture.  I gave it to my friend Lisa, who promptly had it stolen by the server, who thought she was done with that plate.  *Bread casualty sad face*

That evening, I indulged in not one, but TWO spoonfuls of honey-peanut butter.  This is, typically, as close as I get to cheating during the week.

The next day, however...things got dicey.  I ate well all day, but I was out of town, and had to pass by my favorite Ice Cream Castle on the way home.  You remember the one?  Disney princess castle in the middle of BFE with a Baskin Robbins?  I know that somewhere in my subconscious I had already given myself permission to stop and get some.  It was just too easy, pulling my car into the lot with a devil-may-care attitude.  I was going to have some fucking ice cream.

I'm too smart for my own good sometimes.  I convinced myself that I was a scientist, and I needed to test what affect having ice cream during the week would have on my overall progress.  Testing my limits was necessary and dammit, just intelligent lifestyle modification.  So I had ice cream.

It did not taste quite as good as I'd hoped, but I still ate that stuff fast enough that pictures were not obtained.

Here's a thing that happens when I cheat sometimes: The next shitty decision comes so much easier.  I had Chipotle for dinner.  This isn't necessarily bad, it can actually be very diet compliant if one orders correctly.  Shredded cheese on top and a bag of tortilla chips with which to make nachos is not ordering correctly.  It was, however, fantastic and delicious.  Aaaand I ate it too quickly to take pictures.  I guess I didn't want photographic evidence.  Understandable, but I'm telling on myself here, so *shrug*

I felt terrible the next day, physically.  The sugar crashes aren't quite as bad as the wheat-based crashes, interestingly enough.  I feel bloated and awful after wheat products.  Sugar makes me grouchy, but not as tired.

Weigh in day wasn't great.  It wasn't awful either.  I lost a 1/2 pound since last week.  I lost 3 inches overall in the last two weeks.  I deleted the measurements I took and compared this week's to the last time The Engineer weighed me, for consistency.  I noticed while he was measuring me this week that I tend to pull the tape WAY tighter around my body than he does.  I guess that would make a difference if I'm squishing all my fat out of the way to take "accurate measurements."  I decided that if he isn't available to measure me then I'll skip circumference for that week.

This week's weight is 260.  I really hoped to break into the 250s this week, but T.E. assures me next week we'll do it.  I like that I have a partner along for this ride.

Total Weight Loss: 8 pounds in 35 days
Total Inches Lost: 18.75 inches in 35 days

I'm proud of the pictures.  There is a visible difference (not just in hair color), and that helps me see the progress even if I can't feel it.  Pain level has been bad this week.  I completed 2 of the 3 workouts.  Missed the Friday workout because I was exhausted and just plain forgot to do it until I'd had too much wine to do it safely.  Kettlebells and inebriates don't mix, you guys!


8/2/2015                                            9/5/2015

Must Bitch About It

Partially, this blog was created to give me a place to vent, seek support, and whine when I need it.  Of course, I keep with the measurements and what sort of things I'm doing regarding eating changes and exercise routines.

But it gets boring talking about "I eat meat, vegetables, and lentils," because there are only so many ways that you can write about that before it gets boring.  Turns out there are only so many ways you can EAT this way before it gets a little boring.  4HB (The book) warns of this.  It's supposed to be simple and boring, to leave little room for error.

Today, I'm just going to whine.

I have been following the plan nearly perfectly, and my results are showing.  I have talked about my wish for faster results, but The Engineer points out that fast weight loss often seems to lead to even faster weight gain later.  The slow route provides a more solid foundation for permanent lifestyle changes.  I get that.

But when I read some of the "testimonials" I get...discouraged.  There's a lady he highlights, "Tracy" who lost over 100 lbs on the plan (I can't remember or it didn't say how long that took).  In part of her testimonial, she said (paraphrased), "If you have 80 to 100 lbs to lose and aren't losing 5-6 pounds a week for the first several weeks, you are doing something wrong."

I reasonably COULD lose 100 lbs.  I probably should.  That would put me at 168 lbs for my 5'7" height.  I'm tall compared to the average woman.  I don't need to be 120.  I'd look sickly at 120.  I suspect I might look a bit sickly at 168, but I haven't been at 168 since...middle school?  So I really can't say for sure.

If we assume that I have 80-100 lbs to lose...apparently I am doing something wrong.  My average is 1.87 lbs of loss per week.  Now, my average is ALSO 5.5 inches a week.  Maybe she meant inches?
Tim Ferriss also talks about weight change as not only being change in pounds, but a change in where weight is distributed and HOW on a person's body.  So shifting 20 lbs of fat in the bell to 20 lbs of muscle in the ass, legs, back, chest, etc is definitely a great change and will produce dramatic visual change in how a person looks, even if the scale remains the same.

Blah blah blah science and fitness.

I'm about to start my period (yeah guys, we gotta talk about that).  I have some health issues (PCOS, Endometriosis), which affects how my body holds weight, how severe my periods feel, how heavy a flow I have, regularity of my periods (and other bodily functions...endo-poo can be painful).  I am a fucking wreck this week.  I could not stop crying yesterday morning for no fucking reason.  I am agitated and irritable.  I nearly yelled at a client today (I find this really funny bc The Engineer nearly yelled at one of his clients yesterday).  I am HUNGRY, and that fucking salad with homemade, sugar free dressing, and chili with only beef and beans is NOT doing it for me.  I'm hungry, and cranky.  I'm hungry, cranky, and everything hurts right now.

This place I have office space in down here in Southeastern KY has literal Baskets of Candy EVERYWHERE.  Free chocolate just sitting around.

                                           (Yeah...it pretty much looks like this year round)


Sometimes the baskets are full of swiss cakes, ho hos, and ding dongs.  Once, there was a table of free cakes...Free whole fucking cakes...for visitors and staff to pillage.  I have done so well for the four weeks....but yesterday, I had a little York Peppermint Patty.  It was pretty gross, actually.  Today, I had a Ghirradelli mini-dark chocolate.  This thing was the size of a quarter.  It was pretty fucking yummy.

I did not ice after my workout last night (yes, I schlepped my kettlebell all the way down here and dragged it up to my hotel room).  My knees hurt.  My back hurts (that's the endo), and I just want to cry, eat and/or throw food, poop, and take a nap.    I am not sure if I will make it totally on diet today.  I feel a cheat coming on, and I'm not sure how severe it will be.  So I'm telling on myself, hoping to minimize damage.  I'd hit an OA (Over-eater's Anonymous) meeting, but honestly I don't want to hear about Jesus today.  I'd rather just experiment.  My life feels like a giant experiment sometimes.  There was never a plan for changes to be permanent, maybe it will be good to see just how much I set myself back by being lenient on a Tuesday rather than a Saturday.  Or maybe this blog will keep me on plan.

If I cheat, I'll talk about it here.  I'll take pictures of the offending foods and open myself to criticism.  I'll hack and release my own Chocolate/Bread/Potato related Dolly Madison Affair.