My Relationship with Food

I've been researching weight loss surgery lately. I have mixed feelings about it, but facts should support a decision of this size. My gut (ha!) says this is not the course I want to follow. I have such a ridiculous relationship with food. It's an abusive relationship. Food shames me, blames me, makes me feel like shit, forces itself on me, and then comforts me when I feel worthless. Sometimes we get along and have healthy boundaries, but mostly I feel enslaved to it.

But I can't just walk away from it. It's time to return to therapy. I have addressed to many issues with past therapists. A traumatic upbringing, a toxic relationship with a parent, work stress, and issues of sexual impulsivity. It's time to address the food. It's time to address the binging and what it serves, and how to move past it. My first appointment is in the morning. I made it three weeks ago.

I joke about being a binge eater, but today it's not funny. I eat to hide feelings. I eat to celebrate. I eat to mourn. I eat for comfort and for fun. I hide my eating from those closest to me. I eat against my will. I eat things I don't even like. Then I hate myself. And sugar makes me feel better.

So while reading about weight loss surgery, and talking to people who have gone through it, I keep seeing this theme: You'll be expected to lose 30-50 pounds prior to surgery. Bitch, If I could lose that much weight on my own I wouldn't be researching how to get someone to literally cut out my stomach.

It's sound advice, though. If I don't demonstrate the ability to sustain lifestyle changes, the surgery will be pointless. So I'm leaning towards no cutting...in more ways than one.

I've been off plan about three weeks now. And I feel like hell. I'm tired, mentally sluggish, and squishy again. My skin and hair look like shit, and I'm dehydrated. I also have no sex drive, which will not do. Back on plan Monday, and will be deciding on modifications to the last experiment in the mean time. First thing to go is beer, bread, and sugar. Move to plant-based diet with minimal use of meats for protein. And I won't lie (because what's the point?): I'm curious about diet drugs (Adipex and the like). For now, though, I stay away.

Start over...or keep going.

Fuck, this is hard.

Blocked

In some sort of cliched moment of writer's block I have found myself staring at a blinking cursor on the screen.  Prompts and ideas sit in front of me, but I have no thoughts.  I have not written for this blog in a couple of weeks (shit...just checked...haven't posted in 23 days) , but it's not the cursor on this screen that stares back.

I made the decision (entirely impulsively) to apply to graduate school.  I am preparing application materials to a doctoral program in my field. The GRE was easy, I have letters of recommendation committed from several former professors and colleagues, and I can fill out an application.  The blasted Personal Statement is what has me stopped.

I have practiced in my field for the last 10 years, but the prompts for this statement asks me to consider what brought me to the field and what experiences have prepared me for the study of my field...How do I answer these questions?

For most, the doctorate is the logical next step in their education.  I finished my Masters in 2006.  Since that time, I have worked in a variety of settings, and ultimately built a successful private practice.  Why am I going back now?  My fear is that if I can't answer this question for myself, for this personal statement...that maybe I don't need to go back.

That's an accurate statement, really.  I don't need to go back. So why am I trying to?

It's something left unfinished.

To prove that I can.

Because it would have made my grandfather REALLY proud.

It's really difficult to effect positive change in my field with a only Master's degree, regardless of what my income looks like.

In case anyone is interested, I am not looking for suggestions.  Please don't send them (I'll ignore them. I'm stubborn that way).

Back to the purpose of this blog:

I have not been vigilant about this lifestyle change that I started this blog to talk about.  I worked very hard for 6 weeks with some results, but not the results I hoped for. Still, my body has changed and I have lost weight. I am proud of that. But at my core, I am a food addict, a binger from way back.  I've talked about that. And staying on track has been very difficult.

I spent a week off the meal plan and gained about 5 pounds.  Then another week on plan, and lost 7.  I'm gaining knowledge through the ups and downs.  I've learned that I can add an apple and some peanut butter a couple times a week, and things don't go to hell.  In fact, I have more success.  I've learned that white bread and pasta are the devil and tend to make me sick.  Sugar appeals to me less than it used to, but I still love it.

I weighed in on Saturday at 259.5.  I've broken into the 250s and I'm thrilled about that.  I continue to work out, but not as often and not only with Kettlebells.  I've been in more physical pain lately, from my "women issues" and when that happens I'm much less motivated.  Walking seems to help, but I'm chained to my office far too often during the week, and by the weekend I'm exhausted.  It's a daily challenge.  Some days are better than others, of course.

I flirt with guilt over my lack of progress, but at the end of the day, I just really don't care so much.  The motivation I had has significantly decreased.  I think part of this comes from having no concrete goals.  My goal was just to "do better."  And overall I am.  And that's good enough for me, right now.
This blog will morph, as things do.  There's far too much going on to just talk about what I eat and how much weight I throw around.  Sure...we'll go with that.