Rough Week. But Progress Made, Despite.

I know this blog is about weight loss and my path towards being a healthier, happier human.  But I am not my weight.  I am not my weight loss journey.  And sometimes other things come up.  Since this is my blog, I'm going to write about what has been going on with me that doesn't necessarily have much to do with my weight loss.  Because I need to.

It's been a rough week.  The Engineer has been out of town for the last couple days, work was very busy (although enjoyable), and there was a private issue that weighed heavily on my heart and head all week.

I'll talk about that very briefly, because I don't have many other outlets to share my feelings.  I need to talk about it, but I also need to maintain the confidentiality of the person involved, as they asked me to.

Someone I love very much and feel very protective over was hurt by someone that I thought could be trusted...someone that I have previously defended when others made similar accusations regarding their behavior.

I know that human interaction is complicated, but I still believe that it's never ok to put your hands on another human in anger, unless you fear for your life.  This situation...well self-defense was not the catalyst issue by any means.  This situation was about control, intimidation, and...and...and I don't know what.  I wasn't there, but the "victim" (and I'm using that term without them self-identifying...just trying to keep it all gender neutral and vague)...Rather...the Receiver of this violence, came to me: shaken, crying, scared.

I feel so many things about all of this.  I feel pain for my friend.  I feel anger at the perpetrator.  I feel shame for having been an ally of theirs for so long.  I feel guilt for not sharing MY experiences about this stuff.  I feel powerless. And it's been difficult for me this week, processing all of this.

The receiver of the violence does not want to make waves, and stated they feared what the perpetrator might do to them.  Which spawns SO MANY MORE feelings.  But I respect that choice.  It is their story to tell, their actions to take.  Initially, I was very reactive about what happened.  I saw red, and was pissed.  I couldn't sleep for several days.  It was triggering to me, hearing what happened.  I relived some of my own history of receiving this sort of violence.  My own victimization.  I relived interactions with this person, in particular.  While never physically violent with me, there was emotional manipulation, guilt trips, gaslighting.  Many call this "emotional abuse."  While in it, and shortly after...it was very difficult for me to label what I experienced as emotional abuse.  I suppose I have some feelings of shame associated with being a victim of emotional abuse in my 30s.  Like somehow I should be immune to this sort of treatment...immune from suddenly realizing things had gotten very very bad because "I should know better."

I feel all the things and it has been a rough week.  Today feels hopeful.  Some fog has lifted.  I had a few good cries yesterday as my body and spirit filtered out what I could control and what I could not control.  I spent the evening relaxing, and went to bed pretty early.  I slept heavily until the dogs woke me.  Night 2 without their Daddy and they were anxious.  Slept heavily after...Woke later than usual.  Took my weight and measurements, and made a protein heavy breakfast with beef, egg, and lentils.  Bulletproof coffee with Cinnamon.  And blogging.  I think a shower will also help immensely.

I'm adding in my data below, so I don't have to write a separate blog right now.  I don't want to spend the day in front of my computer. :-)

Weight Today: 260.5 (Total Weight Loss 7.5 pounds in 27 days)
Inches Lost This Week: 6.5*** (Total Inches Loss 21.75 inches in 27 days)


***Measurements include awareness of margin of error, particularly because I took my own circumference measurements today, rather than TE taking them for me...so I may not have placement of the tape exactly standard.


I don't have pictures today, as I didn't have The Engineer to take them, and when I tried to teach my cat how to take pictures with my phone, he just looked up porn and Rihanna music videos.  Unhelpful.

Enjoy your Saturday, ya'll.  Here's a music video for funsies, because Monster is right: Rihanna is the best.  (Check out the suspension!  So much fun!)

Cheat Day: Stuff I've Discovered, and FOOD PORN!

I am drinking a Coca-Cola.  A real one, with real sugar.  Not Diet Coke, which I am allowed 16oz of daily, if I chose to drink it.  Today is cheat day.

The Coke tastes weird, saccharine and chemical in my mouth.  The first drink, cold and crisp, was nice, but each drink after has been strange.  I found the same is true of Diet Coke, the longer I keep up these strange eating patterns.

Other changes that I find fascinating:
- I can drink coffee without creamer now.  Just use some fresh ground cinnamon and a drop or 2 of vanilla extract, and Stevia sweetener.  It's delicious!

-Every cheat day I think I WANT ICE CREAM!  And then I eat a some and my stomach hurts and I get a little nauseous.

-Sugar of any form tends to make me crash really quickly on cheat day, and I get a little cranky.  Also, I can eat WAY less than I used to of the stuff.

-I can eat way less of EVERYTHING than I used to.  I have been historically skilled at binging, but after 20 days of this new way of eating, I am full very quickly.

-I am pretty sick of meat.  This way of eating is very protein heavy and that means taking in a lot of meat.  I can choke down a couple eggs, if I have to, but mostly I am getting protein from meat. And I am getting sick of it, particularly chicken.  I am pretty sure I'm ready to start a vegetarian lifestyle (or nearly vegetarian lifestyle) once I have dropped a significant amount of weight.

-Refried beans are the best.  With mild chilis and hot sauce, sprinkled with bacon.  Yes.  Mmmmmmm

-Every week I think about what I want on cheat day...and what I am able to eat during the week, and then I plan and shop and cook.  I am fucking sick of thinking about food all the time.  A few weeks in, however, and I'm figuring out some shortcuts so I don't have to think about food so much.

-I am terrible at breakfast, so I've started adding Bulletproof Coffee in the morning (coffee, grassfed salt-free butter, Stevia, and Cinnamon).  BP Coffee should include Coconut Oil, but it tends to upset my stomach in that form so I'm going to introduce this slowly.  It really helps with keeping me full in the mornings when I am not able to make a full breakfast of protein, eggs, and lentils.

-I do miss beer during the week.

-BUT!  My taste in wine has completely changed! I have always loved sweet reds and whites, dessert wines.  I'm American and I like things sweet.  Dry wines had no place in my kitchen.  They tasted like wood.  Turns out when you remove sugar from your diet, your tastes change.  Sweet wines are TOO MUCH now, and I have fallen in love with several Cabernets and Merlots...wines that have traditionally been far too bitter for my taste.

-I miss bread and cheese THE MOST.

It's really exciting to see all the ways my preferences are changing as I watch my body change.

And now, Food Porn.  Here are some pictures of cheat day treats from the last three cheat days:

 
 

Weigh In: August 22 (day 20 on program)

I am such a trained, conditioned woman of the first world.  Regardless of how my clothes feel, how the inches come off, how much energy I have, and how my noticeable lack of physical pain...If the numbers on the scale don't go where I want them, or expect them, or hope/wish/pray them to...I still fall to pieces a little bit.  If my relationship to gravity does not change as planned I feel out of control and like a failure.  I cry.

I cried while pictures were being taken today (again).  I have only lost 2 pounds since last week, which puts me back to where I was after the first 7 days.

The Engineer points out we are using a new scale.  This is relevant because our old scale (non-digital) went nutso this week.  I did a morning weigh in yesterday...just to see...and I first weighed in at 220.  This seemed unlikely, given my numbers so far...so I stepped off and weighed again.  280.  Hrmmmm...I think she's dead.  So we obtained a digital scale.  TE points out that if the old scale was on the fritz then who really knows where we actually started out, weight wise.  All we know is where we are now.

The dress-makers tape we use to measure circumference, however: Other than a margin of user error, has been reliable.  He thinks sometimes we don't measure in exactly the same spots as previous weeks.  This is probably true, But I doubt we're making more than 1/4 inch of error that evens out over time anyway.

But my weight.  She appears to go nowhere.  Or at least not where I'd like.  But then I did side-by-side picture comparisons!  I feel much better now.

 

There is a distinct difference in the shape of my back and waist to hip ratio.  

 It's very easy to see the difference in where my stomach is in relation to the breasts (note: I am wearing a different style bra in the 2nd picture, which lifts the breasts a bit more).

 I see less noticeable differences in the front-shots.  I see that my sides are narrower than before, and maybe my posture has improved some?

Week	1	2		3		4
Weigh Date	8/2/2015	8/8/2015	Diff	8/14/2015	Diff	8/22/2015	Diff
Weight (LBS)	268	262	-6	264	2	262	-2
Chest	52"	51.5	0.5	51.5	0	51.75	-0.25
Thigh (Right)	28.5	28	1	28	0	27.35	0.5
Calf (Right)	16.75	16	1.5	16.25	-0.5	16	0.5
U Arm (Rt)	15.5	15	1	14.75	0.5	14.25	1
Forearm (Rt)	11.5	11.25	0.5	11.125	0.25	11	0.25
Upper Waist	45.75	44.75	1	44	0.75	44.25	-0.25
Navel	50"	49.75	0.25	48.75	1	47.5	1.25
L. Waist	55.75	55.5	0.25	54.25	1.25	53.75	0.75
Hips	50.25	49.625	0.625	48.5	1.125	49	0.5
			6.625		4.375		4.25

That is a total of 6 pounds lost (or maybe not...the scale may have been lying, but we'll accept it for now), 

and a total of 15.25 Inches lost overall since starting 20 days ago.  

I mean, reasonably speaking, 6 pounds in 20 days is not bad at all.  I was hoping for drastic, fast results because I have made such drastic changes in the way I life.  But I didn't get into this mess over night.  Plus, I'm an American and we, culturally, seem to idolize instant gratification.  

Now...I have an ice cream cake to eat.  

P.S.  Happy 1st Birthday to my cat, Monster (River).  He gets ice cream cake too! 

13 MFing Inches!!

I don't have much commentary here, except that it's easy for me to allow myself to get really upset about the weight number going up by 2 pounds since last week.  Instead I'm focusing on the inches lost, which is substantial to me.  My clothes feel great, I feel great, and I am seeing noticeable changes in the mirror and in pictures.  I'll play with pictures later and post them when I have a few more minutes.

I have identified the things I need to improve that were lacking this week, or inhibiting weight loss:

- Not enough water
-Not enough slow-carbs (lentils beans), and therefore not enough calories consumed.  I ate REALLY light all week, and not enough most of the time
-On my period for most of this week
-Weigh-in and measurements taken 1 day early due to travel schedule.

So I have my plan for next week, which will be super easy to keep up with because I'm on a glorious 8-day STAYCATION where I will do nothing but play with recipes and workout and sleeeeeeep.  I looove sleeeeeep. :-)

Here are the numbers so far:

Week	1	2		3
Weigh Date	8/2/2015	8/8/2015	Diff	8/14/2015	Diff
Weight (LBS)	268	262	-6	264	2
Shoulders	48"	47.25	0.75	46	1.25
Chest	52"	51.5	0.5	51.5	0
Thigh (Right)	28.5	28	1	28	0
Calf (Right)	16.75	16	1.5	16.25	-0.5
U Arm (Rt)	15.5	15	1	14.25	0.5
Forearm (Rt)	11.5	11.25	0.5	11.125	0.25
Upper Waist	45.75	44.75	1	44	0.75
Navel	50"	49.75	0.25	48.75	1
L. Waist	55.75	55.5	0.25	54.25	1.25
Hips	50.25	49.625	0.625	48.5	1.125
			7.375		5.625

Total pounds lost to date: 4 pounds

Total inches lost to date: 13 muthafukkin' inches!!  (That's the scientific denotation, btw)

 

Happy Birthday for One

I had considered cheating...just a little...because today is my birthday.  I thought that I might allow myself one piece of candy as a reward for- what?  Not dying yet?  Making it to 33 years.  I asked The Engineer what he would do, if it were his birthday.  Would he cheat, just a little.  He didn't answer the question.  He never answers those kind of questions.  Instead, all he said was that it seems our results are directly related to the degree to which we follow the plan.  Which, in a way was an answer.

I am having great results so far.  I am not weighing myself everyday, but I feel amazing, and jeans that I just bought a few weeks ago are already loose on me.  I have energy, and I am feeling proud of my progress and efforts.  I am starting to see changes in the mirror, as well.  A thinning in my face, and a slimming of my sides, if only slightly.

I was forced to cheat slightly at breakfast.  Well...forced is a strong word.  I needed to eat breakfast, and I was in a hotel.  Plain eggs, and some sort of protein/meat are generally things I can count on.  But the eggs at this particular hotel: Cheese omelets.  So my choice was to eat a little dairy with my eggs, or have only bacon for breakfast.  I decided to eat some eggs, bacon, and have a protein shake after.  I knew the likelihood of having time for lunch was slim.

Lunch ended up being some bell pepper slices, half an avocado, and another protein shake.

The Engineer and I both frequently work out of town, me more often than him (every week to his every month or so).  Occasionally, our out of town trips overlap, and sometimes...they fall on special occasions.

Today, on my birthday...I was working in Southeastern KY, and he was somewhere in Virginia.  we had plans to meet up for dinner and go to a steakhouse for meat and vegetables...and good wine.

I left my clinic at about 4:30, and around 5:30 he texted that he would not be back in town until after 11pm.  I was sad.  I actually cried a little because I am a girl and it is my birthday, and I wanted to spend it with someone other than clients telling me their worst life stories.  I wanted to eat dinner with my love and snuggle up with him and enjoy my birthday.

I remembered then how I use food to cover emotions that are unpleasant.  As the tears subsided, I had an intense urge...a craving for something sweet and comforting.  I wanted ice cream.

There is a place on the drive back from the clinic I call The Ice Cream Castle.  It's just a gas station, but the building looks like something one would find at Disney World:

  
And inside? A Baskin Robbins ice cream shop.  It is tradition for me to stop and get two scoops of mint chocolate chip ice cream in a waffle cone.

Today, I desperately wanted that ice cream cone.  I was going to spend my birthday alone.  Isn't that a sad thought?  I was going to spend my birthday alone fuck it, I want ice cream.

I decided to put on an audiobook instead, to distract me.  Well fuck all.  Jodi Picoult can go eat a dick, because I cried for the next hour, and we were only on chapter 1 of Sing You Home.

The Engineer told me I could open my birthday presents when I got home.  He didn't want me to wait on him.  The offer made me sadder.  I wanted to wait for him.

I did not stop for ice cream.  I wanted to.  It was a struggle not to.  I wanted to feel good, and I had a moment of forgetting how to feel good without something sweet or something bread-like.  Food is my most trusted comfort, and I was choosing to deal with my emotions rather than feed them.  It was difficult.  I decided to just keep crying and feel it.  Seems like I'm crying a lot lately, but when major changes are happening- well aren't those usually painful, even when they are glorious?

I drove right past my Ice Cream Castle.  I was too into the book I was listening to, and crying about it.  Once I stopped crying (again)  I decided to get a good steak and cauliflower, both of which are definitely compliant with the diet.  I also got a bottle of my favorite West Virginia wine.  I'd cook up the steak, mostly rare, and steam the cauliflower until mushy, and beat with butter and garlic for something like mashed potatoes but healthier.  I'd wait for The Engineer to get home and then I'd open my presents.

That was...until I got home and saw the bag.

 
 Well shiiiiiit.  Have we entered the part of the relationship where giving jewelry is appropriate?  We live together now, officially...but Jewelry?!?!  AHHHHH!  This immediately improved my mood.

Don't misunderstand...I'm not someone who needs jewelry to know that someone loves me.  I don't have a meter by which I measure the quality of the relationship that is scored with diamonds and gemstones or silver and gold.  I love practical gifts, useful gifts...the gifts that sit-coms make fun of (blenders, vaccums, things I will USE over and over).  Books are great gifts, but generally I'm one to ask for gift cards.  Let me choose because I'm pretty independent and I'm also picky sometimes.

I've only received jewelry as a present one other time (from a partner) that was not my engagement ring.  My first husband gave me a beautiful white gold bracelet with delicate diamond chips.  It is beautiful and I still wear it sometimes.

So to see this bag made me very excited! This doesn't happen much and I had to sneak a peak.  There were 2 boxes inside.  TWO!

Ok...I opened them.  I coudn't wait, I needed to see what this lovely amazing man had picked for me!

Oh my.  Ohhhhh myyyyy.  Daddy did good!  His taste is phenomenal and he really does know me.

Blue saphire and diamond earrings, and a ring.  The ring needs to be sized, it only fits on my pinky right now.  But oh my goodness.  This man.  I love this man.  I love him without the pretties...but goodness these are lovely.  I cried (AGAIN!) when I opened them.

I put the earrings in immediately and cooked with them on, singing my favorite songs and forgetting that I was eating alone.

I made my dinner, poured my wine.  It was delicious.  Now I'm writing this blog and watching a movie I'd been meaning to watch for awhile now, and I am having a delightful birthday.

The Engineer will be home soon.  I think I'll leave the earrings in tonight. :-)

5:15AM?

My alarm went off at 5:15am today.  I had a long drive ahead of me, but not so long or far that I needed to rouse myself at this ungodly hour.  I'm not typically a morning person, especially when curled up with The Engineer, windows open, cool near-fall breeze blowing through white curtains.

I know, I paint an idyllic picture. So when my alarm went off, I half expected to shut it off, hit snooze for the first of 7 or so times.  But I tried to wake up my man, then bounded off downstairs, cheerful as could be.

Sickening.  Really, I'm disgusted with myself.

A little over a week ago, I tried my first workout, as prescribed by 4HB.  Remember, we are talking Minimally Effective Dose, so when I read that the workout takes between 5-10 minutes, I was all "let's go!"

I was embarrassed to start.  T.E. wanted to work out together.  I wanted to crawl in a hole and hide until he went away.  I was the fat kid in gym class.  I never made it even 1/4 of the way up that damn rope.  I sucked at basketball...and running?  Ha.  The idea of my love watching me sweat it out was as scary as I could imagine in that moment.  These were new exercises to us both, so I watched him first, helped him correct posture or leg placement, stuff like that.  When it was my turn, I asked him for a couple of favors.

1.  Could he please not laugh at me, or ridicule me, or make fun of me in any way?  (There was, realistically, about 0% chance of this happening, but I needed to hear the reassurance.)

2.  Could he please not watch right away?  Let me start and then ask for help if I needed it.

I was very nervous about working out with the kettle-bells, a piece of gym equipment I have seen used, but had never picked up before that day.

The workout begins with 15 dead lifts of the KB (kettle-bell).  Stand facing a wall with your feed about 6" back, legs spread a bit, toes at 10 and 2.  Place KB in the middle, and lift to standing, placing KB back in same spot each time.  You stand next to the wall to get the proper alignment, so you aren't lifting with your back (if you try, you'll hit your face on the wall).  After that, Ferris recommends 15  kind of pre-swing moves.  Standing away from the wall (middle of room), lift and swing KB just a bit forward and let the downswing go between your legs.  Follow this with actually full KB swings, bringing the KB out to about face height in front of you.

Here's a pic, courtesy of Women's Health Magazine:

T. E purchased a 25 pound KB to start us out.

Holy fuck.  Holy fucking fuck.  75 reps.  Dear god.  I thought I was going to dieeeeee.

Follow that with 20 "lay on your back and fuck the air type moves" (I think Ferris calls it something about Glute Raises or something):

 Then end with the Flying Dog.  (Raise left arm, right leg x 15, then repeat with right arm, left leg):

After this workout, which took....eh...probably 15 minutes between my panting and death rattle...I could barely walk.  My legs felt like jell-o and I wanted to cut them off.  I got in a cold shower immediately, but was in such immense pain the rest of that night and the next day.  I could barely get up the stairs without dragging myself up the banister with my arms.  Sitting down to pee was a 10 minute chore of maneuvering and bargaining with a sadistic god.

I called upon my friends on the Facebook for advice.  I need to do this workout 3x a week and on my rest day I could not walk!  Crowd sourcing is an amazing thing.  Here's what I learned:
-Stretch (OH, right...I forgot that was a thing.  O__o)
-Ice
-Protein immediately after workout
-Foam Massage Roll (must order this thing, it looks awesome!)

I am going to try ice baths soon, just not yet.

I stretched repeatedly on my rest day, trying to recover.  By the time I was ready for my 2nd attempt at this workout, I was still in pain, but less so.  I began with some yoga to limber up a bit (5 sun salutations, then some butterflies, half-saddles, and cow-face.  Stretched out my legs, particularly my hips and thighs.

I only did about 15 dead lifts for that second workout, and then moved on to the glute raises and flying dogs.  I wasn't about to injure myself further.  Then I did a protein shake (8oz water with powder mix), and iced the tops of my thighs and back for about 10-15 min. each.

By Friday, the third workout, I was able to do 50 swings, and then the rest of the workout as prescribed.  It was laborious...and I laid on the floor and cried after my last flying dog.  I have this weird (but not too painful) feeling in the back of my knees when I extend for the flying dog.  It's like one of my ligaments is a guitar string someone is plucking.  It's not really painful, necessarily, but it's disconcerting.  And I was on my period, and cramping, and I was HUNGRY.  Ohhh soo hungry.  Or rather, I was CRAVING.  Sugar, starch, mainly.  Bread or pasta, cheese.  Stuff like that.  I was exhausted and I just cried for a few minutes.

I should mention that by this point, I was fine with The Engineer being in the room while I worked out.  I trusted him to keep the space sacred as I struggle with this stuff, and he does.  He corrects my posture, reminds me to flex my foot at the right time, and goes back to reading or doing whatever.  He's not judging me.  In fact, I think he's kind of proud.

I finished crying as I stretched out, and sniffled my way into the kitchen to mix up my shake, get my ice packs, and obtain a spoonful of glorious, heavenly peanut butter.    I licked this luxuriously like an ice cream cone while I iced myself and told T.E. about why I was crying.  He let me cry and didn't try to fix it or comfort me or rescue me.  

Sunday, a day early, I did the workout for a 4th time, with no issues.  There was a feeling of pushing myself, challenging my muscles, and oh god do I sweat in the 8 minutes this workout takes me.  But there was no pain.  My body is already adjusting.

And this morning, and 5:15, I bounded out of bed to do my workout before anything else, excited to put this spin on my day first thing.  I did the FULL 75 reps (7.5 sets of 10, 30-60 seconds of rest between sets) of the KB swing, and did all the other exercises without stopping to rest, like I had been.  And I felt amazing!  I know we are only embarking on week 2, but my god I can already feel my body changing.  I can feel muscles moving, taking shape, and my stamina is improving.  I am also planning on upping the KB weight after several weeks, so that I continue challenging myself.    

Before we began the plan, The Engineer joked with me that "You might even become addicted to exercise," and I politely threw him shade and said "unlikely."

Turns out my Engineer might know a thing or two.  This shit rocks! :-)

First week down, and here are the results!

Six days without sugar, six days without any simple carbohydrates.  Six days of no dairy.  Only meat, lentils, vegetables...And several hard, but simple, brief workouts.  I wasn't expecting the results I got, but I am very pleased.

Week	1	2
Weigh Date	8/2/2015	8/8/2015	Diff
Weight (LBS)	268	262	-6
Shoulders	48"	47.25	0.75
Chest	52"	51.5	0.5
Thigh (Right)	28.5	28	1
Calf (Right)	16.75	16	1.5
U Arm (Rt)	15.5	15	1
Forearm (Rt)	11.5	11.25	0.5
Upper Waist	45.75	44.75	1
Navel	50"	49.75	0.25
L. Waist	55.75	55.5	0.25
Hips	50.25	49.625	0.625
			7.375

Six pounds lost, and over 7 inches from all over my body.  I doubled the difference for Thigh, Calf, U Arm, Forearm to assume equal change on both sides of the body.  

Hunger

It's Wednesday, and work is slow, and things are on my mind.

The Engineer and I had a conversation last night about hunger.  We are both hungry, which in nutritional terms means we aren't getting enough of something...probably protein.  By today, I am already getting sick of the texture of beans, and he's sick of gas.  I want to add more spinach and tomatoes, more chicken and fish.  But we are hungry and feeling deprived, and this struck us both as absolutely ridiculous.

We have spent the last four days eating vegetables of amazing quality,  beans aplenty, and beautiful fish, beef, and chicken.  We have enjoyed butter, a king's ransom of spices, and some of the best red wine I have tasted.  And still, we hunger.

For what?  We have more than enough.  Granted, we may not be eating enough calories, technically, but I guess what I'm getting at has nothing to do with our nutritional goals.  We are feeling deprived on this meal plan, when there are people, millions of people, who know actual hunger. 

What we are going through is self-induced and chosen.  It is a luxury we are afforded, to chose to be hungry, or chose to be gluttonous.    We are both mentally creating our cheat lists for Saturday, and I will just go ahead and say that I am embarrassed about my list.

Bread, sugar, ice cream, chips.  Luxuries.  And I plan on bingeing on them.  Or I was.

Now...I don't know.  The cravings are still here, and my list still exists.  I will eat some of these forbidden foods on my cheat day, but I will do so mindful of the great privilege I have to make that choice.  The privilege that I live in a world where it feels like deprivation to eat only juicy luscious vegetables and succulent, clean meats.  How insane is that?

But this world I live in, this privilege I have as an American...as an "Upper Class" American, according to current economic definitions, this is the world that helped create the health crisis I am in right now.  This privilege, and my all-too-long lack of awareness of it being a privilege, has created this Fat Girl.

I wish I could end this thought with something life changing or epiphanic, but I got nothing.  Nothing but awareness....and pause.

Fun In The Kitchen

I used to love to cook.  I would do it all the time, experimenting with recipes and new foods.  I was also a huge fan of Paula Dean (back before she was exposed as a racist twat).  So my recipes consisted of lots of butter, sugar, fats, carbs...mmmmm

This nutrition plan, as I outlined in the last post, requires me to make some, er, modifications to my previous cooking style.  I first called it a diet, but I know that thinking of it as a "diet" implies temporary change, or something to get through.  I hope to assimilate the changes I'm making into long-term habits.

Thank god for cheat day is all I can say.

So The Engineer and I have been playing around in the kitchen.  I'm posting some pictures with brief descriptions.  So far everything has been pretty tasty!  Nothing has tasted too much like "diet food" which is the goal.

First Experiment:

A tuna salad without mayo.

White albacore tuna in water, drained.  Added salt and pepper, olive oil, red pepper flakes, thyme, rosemary, chickpeas, red pepper and onion.  On a bed of spinach and tomato.   This was really delicious and I'll probably make a bigger batch to eat for lunch over the course of a week. It was pretty filling, as well.

Second Experiment:

Vegetables with curry, chicken, kielbasa.

The Engineer actually makes this dish fairly frequently with regularly frozen mixed veg (carrots, peas, green beans).  We used frozen green beans and peas and left out the carrot.  Red beans, chopped up sweet peppers, cauliflower, chicken breast (boneless/skinless), and a small amount of (I believe Pork) kielbasa meat.  Add some chicken stock and "better than bullion," as well as spices like cumin, hot curry, etc.  The only mild cheat here is about 1/4C golden raisins, but in the batch this size, that's barley anything.  This is one of my favorite dishes made the "regular" way, and this one is delicious as well.  It almost tastes like a curried-chicken stew.  Love it.  This is lunch for the week.


Third Experiment: 

Breakfast.  4HB calls for you to eat a high protein breakfast within 30-60 minutes of waking, EVERY DAY.  The Engineer is not a breakfast guy, and French Toast at Bob Evans is my middle name (I know, long name).  When I'm on the road for work....Well, I won't say the McDonald's Drive-Through ladies know me by name, but I do have distinct tattoo-age.  They see me coming.  So finding a fast, easy breakfast we would both eat sounded daunting.  I love my carbs in the morning...that sugar shock to get me awake and moving.  But Protein is the answer to a question I maybe wish I hadn't asked. *grin*

I decided to do these egg-bake things a friend of mine showed me.  He just puts egg/eggwhite mixture into muffin tins and bakes.  I added stuff:

Red beans, chopped peppers, onion, mushroom, spinach, and some leftover turkey breast lunchmeat (not pictured), One carton Break-Free egg-whites (about 10 eggs worth), and 4 whole, brown eggs (cage free, organic).

                  

 

 Mix it all together, pour into muffin tins. I baked around 15-20 minutes at 375.
 

And they came out looking fuckin' weird.  What the hell is this?? I stuck 2 in the microwave for about 1.5 minutes, cut up and slather in Frank's Red Hot, and they are actually pretty delicious.  Would be even better with cheese, but did I mention no dairy?  *sigh*   This is breakfast for the week, and so far we've both been compliant with eating it.

Dinner at the end of Day 2 on the plan was seared Ahi Tuna steaks with spices, steamed broccoli with garlic, and sliced roma tomatoes with salt and pepper.  Only experiment here is could we do this dish without garlic bread and not die?  So far so good...but we were both seriously craving some toasty garlic bread at the end.  The dry red (a West Virginia wine) was a delicious pairing.

Dinner tonight was seared flank steak that I marinated in lime juice, fresh garlic, and fresh ground red pepper flakes, sliced on top of spinach and tomato.  I made black beans with onion, garlic, peppers, and lemon juice to go with.  No pictures tonight.  The Kid is here and we were all starving, so dinner was fast and then it was gone!  

Don't worry...I won't be posting every bloody thing we eat, but if it's an experiment or looks particularly beautiful....or ends up being nasty as hell, I'll post about it.  I'm taking pictures of just about everything I eat.  It's faster than writing it down, honestly.  

So far I am realizing that when I'm not filling my body with carbs, I really don't eat enough because I find myself hungry a LOT.  Ferris said this is indication of not taking in enough protein and slow-carbs (beans and lentils).  The breakfast "muffins" actually fill me up for about 4 hours before I start to notice I want lunch.  The curried veg, however, does not keep me full long at all, and I'm pretty hungry by the time I drive home from work.  Today it was a struggle not to stop for snack after work.  I just chugged water and started cooking ASAP.  Fish seems to be the most filling of the meats, for me, anyway.  I could eat broccoli every day.  

Tomorrow I'll tell you about the workouts.  Because fuck all they are tough.  Luckily, they are stupid short.  

P.S.

Ferris recommends when you have a craving, jot it down and save it for cheat day.  Here's my list so far:

Melted cheese and tortilla chips

A whole loaf of rosemary potato bread dipped in alfredo sauce

Milky Way bar

Ice cream

Cream filled doughnut with chocolate icing

The Engineer wants Shoney's breakfast bar like nobody's business.  So Saturday after weigh-in and measurements, we are off to Shoney's!  

The Plan (dun Dun DUUUNNNNNNN)

In one short day and two difficult posts, I have received a lot of support.  I am so grateful for the support and the words of encouragement.

There are topics that I sometimes get a little...crazy about.  If someone talks about wanting to start getting their finances in order, for instance, I am all over that shit!  I love talking about money, how to save it, how to make more of it, how to invest it!  And sometimes, I can get a little overbearing when someone else is finding their own path in regards to money.  I can really only speak to what worked for me, what works for me, and then offer tools if someone wants to know more.

Weight loss and health, for me...well, I think I am feeling a bit like those innocent bystanders of my self-confirmed economic expertise feel when I bash them over the head with all of my TWUE WISDOM.  That is to say...I feel like....

STOP IT.

Really, I love you, but let's not, shall we?  

It might be a bit too soon to start complaining about the nature of the support I receive, but I will disagree.  I am eager for support!  But ask me how you can support me.  What I am not, this moment, eager for, is help.  Don't get me wrong, I need help!  But I have carefully chosen my resources for help.  And....I am fully capable of asking for more help when I need it.

Just like I would never ask a broke person for money advice, I wouldn't ask an unhealthy couch potato on tips for running a 5k and dropping 100 pounds.  It just doesn't make sense.  I have observed others, done some research, and found a plan that I am going to commit to...until it doesn't work.  Then, life is subject to change, and I can make changes as I need to.

Please support me, but until I ask...please stop helping me.  :-)  It's not a complaint, for I truly appreciate the spirit in which all the advice I've already received is intended.  This is me setting some boundaries.

A thing happens when someone offers unsolicited advice: There is usually an expectation attached.  Didn't do what I suggested, and didn't get good results? Told ya so.  There is an unspoken price tag attached, emotionally speaking, to that unsolicited advice.  If I fail at the advice you gave, there may be shame, or a feeling of not only being a failure, but being too stupid to follow simple instructions.  There may be anger if your advice doesn't work, and that could affect our friendship.  No one really likes receiving unsolicited advice.  It has a price tag...snd trust me, I am paying enough for my own poor choices as we speak.

I live in this world.  I am observant, questioning, and fucking intelligent.  I'll figure this out with help from those I trust and have decided to allow to help me right now.  If I ask you a question, that's me asking for help, albeit in that limited respect.  If I ask you, "Did you find that eating an avacado a day helped or hurt your progress?" I'm really only looking for the answer to that question.  If you want to add more, ask me if I'm open to receiving additional information.  I usually will be!  But you ought to ask.

It's the "unsolicited" part that gets tricky, and it's where I find my edges.
Support me.  Don't help me...unless I ask and you can and are willing.  Consent is the key!


So what AM I doing???

I am following a fitness and nutrition plan based upon Timothy Ferris' best selling book The Four Hour Body.

Food ground rules are pretty simple:
For 6 days of 7:
1. No white carbohydrates or carbs that have white versions, so NO bread, sugar, rice, pasta, crackers, dairy (except for butter....ingredients are cream and salt only), and most other starches.
2.  Eat the same few meals over and over again
3.  Don't drink your calories
4. No Fruit (Fructose is as addictive and fat loss stopping as white sugar for most people)
5.  Eat as much lean protein as you can (fatty beef no more than once a week, fatty fish no more than once a week, such as salmon), and as many veggies as you want (of a specific list.  No corn, limit carrots, etc)
6.  Limit to no more than 2 4oz glasses of a dry wine per night, preferable a dry red.

On the 7th day: Go nuts.  This is cheat day.
Ferris recommends jotting down cravings throughout the week so that you can enjoy those things, even binge on them if you want, on your cheat day.

This 7th day of increased caloric intake helps reset metabolism and guards against the body going into starvation mode.

Then, as I mentioned, the MED to exercise (which he differentiates from recreational activities like swimming, dancing, or running around chasing your dogs).

This is a super simplified version, as the book itself is nearly 600 pages.  Lots of science, and lots of advanced tricks and tips, which I'll talk about as I experiment with them.

I am in no way endorsing Mr. Ferris for 4HB.  Clearly, it's day 2 and I have NO IDEA if this is going to work.  But it's a thing that I want to try because the science makes sense to my brain meat, and I have witnessed people have immense success.

Measurements

August 2.  Day 1

The morning consisted of taking pictures and measurements.  I don't have much to say about this except that I cried as the pictures were being taken.  I'm also terrified of putting them online, but that's the point.  I guess it's silly.  Everyone who knows me already knows what I look like.  It's not a secret...except maybe to me.  The images in our heads don't always match the pictures, do they?

These are hard to look at.  But it's a starting point.  It's impossible to know where one is going without knowing where one is.  And I'm smack in the middle of "fat-ass land", destination "please god don't let this kill me."  

I don't have specific, numerical goals right now.  To weigh less than I do now? Definitely.  To be able to do 20 sun salutations without getting winded? Sounds pretty nice.  And then there are the more private goals: To have better sex without getting exhausted 10 minutes in.  To live to see 80.  Those kind of goals.  And the superficial ones: To wear a corset, tightened, without the created back-tits.  

But I don't have a "goal-weight."  I think that comes from years of trying for a number and failing.  I don't weigh myself very often because, as a friend of mine said once, "I don't like to hurt my own feelings."  

The Engineer and I took turns.  He weighed himself, then me.  I outweigh my insanely sexy boyfriend by over 100 pounds.  We are the same height.  

Then we take turns with a measuring tape, going over each other's bodies.  I'm posting my numbers below.  

Week	1
Weigh Date	8/2/2015
Weight (LBS)	268
Shoulders	48"
Chest	52"
Thigh (Right)	28 1/2"
Calf (Right)	16 3/4"
U Arm (Rt)	15 1/2"
Forearm (Rt)	11 1/2"
Upper Waist	45 3/4"
Navel	50"
L. Waist	55 3/4"
Hips	50 1/4"

268 pounds.  268 pounds.  I'll admit another embarrassing fact: This is NOT my heaviest.  Close...but when I was around 20 I weighed about 275.  This was before my first wedding, and I spent hours in the sweltering heat to drop as much as I could before the wedding.  I got all the way down to about 225, I think.  I looked really pretty in my wedding dress.  But walking miles in insane heat is not sustainable (well, not for lazy-bones me).  

The other measurements don't bother me as much because I have never taken them before.  I have no point of reference for a 50" waist.  If you are wondering, let me clarify the body parts I measured.  Upper Waist refers to the part of my belly below my breasts, but not quite to my Navel.  Navel is around the belly at the belly button, and Lower Waist is my lovingly-referred to "Front Butt."  I've had this little pooch for as long as I can remember.  I want it to go away.  No hard feelings, yo.

Ok...

.....................I feel as though I'm stalling to avoid putting up the fucking pictures.  I look very sad in these pictures.  Because I am.  I'm ashamed of where I have let my body go, how out of touch I am with my own nutrition, feeding cycle, and the language in which my body speaks to me.  I am ashamed that this man that I love so fiercely is the one taking these pictures.  Again, how silly? He sees me naked nearly every single day.  He is not surprised by what he sees.  And he still loves me, still wants me in his bed.  But seeing these pictures, I won't lie, makes me wonder, "Why?"

I have to remind myself that I am so much more than the flesh on my bones (despite feeling that I could feed a small village off of it and still probably survive).  

 I'm crying again, so I'm just gonna do it and end here.  

Here is my starting point.  Here is my shame.  Here is...something I hope one day to look back on with pride and be able to say, "I was Once A Fat Girl."

Preparedness

Aug 1.
It's time.

The Engineer and I have been dancing around this topic for months now.  I'll move in as he moves away and then we will reverse roles.  I become obstinate.  Disheartened.  Skeptical.  Then hopeful and excited...then terrified.  I can't speak to his feelings and won't try to.

Love and comfort and safety are all wonderful, and then the spread begins.  I joke that he caught my fat, which I suppose isn't 100% jest.  There is research that supports the theory that we tend to pick up on the behaviors of those around us, including their lifestyles and maintenance behaviors.

I'm going to use rough language here because...well...Living in my head is rough sometimes and while I get that negative self-talk is a shitty thing, I'm also pretty real with myself.

I.

Am.

FAT.  Gloriously so, at times.  And dangerously so, at others.

I always have been, as long as I can remember.  There are pictures from my childhood that indicate I was a slender preschooler, but I remember my Kindergarten teacher commenting on how big my belly was getting.  Then I was put on a diet.  I learned early that Lean Cuisines are disgusting.

1st and 2nd grade pictures indicate I was maybe a tiny bit chubby, but by 3rd grade I was a roly-poly little fat girl.  Breasts, menses, and all that shit came very shortly thereafter, and the weight just kept on coming.

Home life was...eh.  This isn't the time or place.  Home life was such that food was an amazing comfort to me and I remember hoarding food in my room, binging on sweets and, once, half of a leftover baked ham.  I would eat until I hurt and the physical aching in my belly eased some of the other aching.

Long story short for now....Once a fat girl, always a fat girl.  It's really all I can remember.

And The Engineer, generally slender and active, seemed to have caught it from me.  We are happy.  Blissfully so (from my perspective) most of the time.  We are also BUSY.  Workouts and chopping up veggies went the way of long car trips for work and take out pizzas while we binged on Netflix.  We both stopped drinking for a long time, and sweets took the place of beers and (my favorite) margaritas.

I watch as people around me have decided to turn their lives around and make changes.  I watched my last boyfriend drop a human being worth of weight in a year.  I wanted to do it too, but fear stopped me from really trying.

But I guess it's time.  Impulsively, I purchased the book, The 4-Hour Body.  Another boyfriend had read it and used to to make some serious health improvements, and I remembered when I read parts of it years ago that the author champions the Minimally Effective Dose (MED), and using science and research to figure out the least effort possible to get the results you want.  I am a big fan of the MED.  I have neither the time nor the inclination to spend hours in a gym or running the streets.  I've participated in athletics, but never really been "Athletic."  I was always an alternate, or on B-Team.  I LOVE the MED, or at least the idea thereof when it comes to exercise.

One of the chapters is called (something like) How to Lose 20 Pounds in a Month without Exercise.  SIGN ME UP!  Let's do it!

So we've been reading, The Engineer and I.  And a couple weeks ago we decided to take the plunge and do it together.  Today, Saturday Aug, 1 is our last day of decadence before we begin.  The gist is 6 days of following the rules, followed by a cheat day where you just eat yourself stupid.  We had pizza and beer.

I'm scared.  I won't pretend that I'm not.  I have no idea if I can do this.  Except that I know for a fact that I can do this.  How's that for confusing?  I know there will be days that SUCK, especially as my body detox's from delicious white bread, chips, and SUGAR.  mmmmm Sugar.  Pasta.  Candy bars.  All the good things.  This will be difficult.  I'm glad I'm not doing it alone.

This blog is to record my progress, and also a place to rant and bitch and moan when I want to feed my face.  And a place to celebrate milestones and metamorphosis.  I'll be posting pictures (even the terrible ones), talking about food, and posting my measurements each week.

All in the black and white of internet permanence.