It's been a rough week. The Engineer has been out of town for the last couple days, work was very busy (although enjoyable), and there was a private issue that weighed heavily on my heart and head all week.
I'll talk about that very briefly, because I don't have many other outlets to share my feelings. I need to talk about it, but I also need to maintain the confidentiality of the person involved, as they asked me to.
Someone I love very much and feel very protective over was hurt by someone that I thought could be trusted...someone that I have previously defended when others made similar accusations regarding their behavior.
I know that human interaction is complicated, but I still believe that it's never ok to put your hands on another human in anger, unless you fear for your life. This situation...well self-defense was not the catalyst issue by any means. This situation was about control, intimidation, and...and...and I don't know what. I wasn't there, but the "victim" (and I'm using that term without them self-identifying...just trying to keep it all gender neutral and vague)...Rather...the Receiver of this violence, came to me: shaken, crying, scared.
I feel so many things about all of this. I feel pain for my friend. I feel anger at the perpetrator. I feel shame for having been an ally of theirs for so long. I feel guilt for not sharing MY experiences about this stuff. I feel powerless. And it's been difficult for me this week, processing all of this.
The receiver of the violence does not want to make waves, and stated they feared what the perpetrator might do to them. Which spawns SO MANY MORE feelings. But I respect that choice. It is their story to tell, their actions to take. Initially, I was very reactive about what happened. I saw red, and was pissed. I couldn't sleep for several days. It was triggering to me, hearing what happened. I relived some of my own history of receiving this sort of violence. My own victimization. I relived interactions with this person, in particular. While never physically violent with me, there was emotional manipulation, guilt trips, gaslighting. Many call this "emotional abuse." While in it, and shortly after...it was very difficult for me to label what I experienced as emotional abuse. I suppose I have some feelings of shame associated with being a victim of emotional abuse in my 30s. Like somehow I should be immune to this sort of treatment...immune from suddenly realizing things had gotten very very bad because "I should know better."
I feel all the things and it has been a rough week. Today feels hopeful. Some fog has lifted. I had a few good cries yesterday as my body and spirit filtered out what I could control and what I could not control. I spent the evening relaxing, and went to bed pretty early. I slept heavily until the dogs woke me. Night 2 without their Daddy and they were anxious. Slept heavily after...Woke later than usual. Took my weight and measurements, and made a protein heavy breakfast with beef, egg, and lentils. Bulletproof coffee with Cinnamon. And blogging. I think a shower will also help immensely.
I'm adding in my data below, so I don't have to write a separate blog right now. I don't want to spend the day in front of my computer. :-)
Weight Today: 260.5 (Total Weight Loss 7.5 pounds in 27 days)
Inches Lost This Week: 6.5*** (Total Inches Loss 21.75 inches in 27 days)
***Measurements include awareness of margin of error, particularly because I took my own circumference measurements today, rather than TE taking them for me...so I may not have placement of the tape exactly standard.
I don't have pictures today, as I didn't have The Engineer to take them, and when I tried to teach my cat how to take pictures with my phone, he just looked up porn and Rihanna music videos. Unhelpful.
Enjoy your Saturday, ya'll. Here's a music video for funsies, because Monster is right: Rihanna is the best. (Check out the suspension! So much fun!)
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