Measurements

August 2.  Day 1

The morning consisted of taking pictures and measurements.  I don't have much to say about this except that I cried as the pictures were being taken.  I'm also terrified of putting them online, but that's the point.  I guess it's silly.  Everyone who knows me already knows what I look like.  It's not a secret...except maybe to me.  The images in our heads don't always match the pictures, do they?

These are hard to look at.  But it's a starting point.  It's impossible to know where one is going without knowing where one is.  And I'm smack in the middle of "fat-ass land", destination "please god don't let this kill me."  

I don't have specific, numerical goals right now.  To weigh less than I do now? Definitely.  To be able to do 20 sun salutations without getting winded? Sounds pretty nice.  And then there are the more private goals: To have better sex without getting exhausted 10 minutes in.  To live to see 80.  Those kind of goals.  And the superficial ones: To wear a corset, tightened, without the created back-tits.  

But I don't have a "goal-weight."  I think that comes from years of trying for a number and failing.  I don't weigh myself very often because, as a friend of mine said once, "I don't like to hurt my own feelings."  

The Engineer and I took turns.  He weighed himself, then me.  I outweigh my insanely sexy boyfriend by over 100 pounds.  We are the same height.  

Then we take turns with a measuring tape, going over each other's bodies.  I'm posting my numbers below.  

Week	1
Weigh Date	8/2/2015
Weight (LBS)	268
Shoulders	48"
Chest	52"
Thigh (Right)	28 1/2"
Calf (Right)	16 3/4"
U Arm (Rt)	15 1/2"
Forearm (Rt)	11 1/2"
Upper Waist	45 3/4"
Navel	50"
L. Waist	55 3/4"
Hips	50 1/4"

268 pounds.  268 pounds.  I'll admit another embarrassing fact: This is NOT my heaviest.  Close...but when I was around 20 I weighed about 275.  This was before my first wedding, and I spent hours in the sweltering heat to drop as much as I could before the wedding.  I got all the way down to about 225, I think.  I looked really pretty in my wedding dress.  But walking miles in insane heat is not sustainable (well, not for lazy-bones me).  

The other measurements don't bother me as much because I have never taken them before.  I have no point of reference for a 50" waist.  If you are wondering, let me clarify the body parts I measured.  Upper Waist refers to the part of my belly below my breasts, but not quite to my Navel.  Navel is around the belly at the belly button, and Lower Waist is my lovingly-referred to "Front Butt."  I've had this little pooch for as long as I can remember.  I want it to go away.  No hard feelings, yo.

Ok...

.....................I feel as though I'm stalling to avoid putting up the fucking pictures.  I look very sad in these pictures.  Because I am.  I'm ashamed of where I have let my body go, how out of touch I am with my own nutrition, feeding cycle, and the language in which my body speaks to me.  I am ashamed that this man that I love so fiercely is the one taking these pictures.  Again, how silly? He sees me naked nearly every single day.  He is not surprised by what he sees.  And he still loves me, still wants me in his bed.  But seeing these pictures, I won't lie, makes me wonder, "Why?"

I have to remind myself that I am so much more than the flesh on my bones (despite feeling that I could feed a small village off of it and still probably survive).  

 I'm crying again, so I'm just gonna do it and end here.  

Here is my starting point.  Here is my shame.  Here is...something I hope one day to look back on with pride and be able to say, "I was Once A Fat Girl."