My Relationship with Food

I've been researching weight loss surgery lately. I have mixed feelings about it, but facts should support a decision of this size. My gut (ha!) says this is not the course I want to follow. I have such a ridiculous relationship with food. It's an abusive relationship. Food shames me, blames me, makes me feel like shit, forces itself on me, and then comforts me when I feel worthless. Sometimes we get along and have healthy boundaries, but mostly I feel enslaved to it.

But I can't just walk away from it. It's time to return to therapy. I have addressed to many issues with past therapists. A traumatic upbringing, a toxic relationship with a parent, work stress, and issues of sexual impulsivity. It's time to address the food. It's time to address the binging and what it serves, and how to move past it. My first appointment is in the morning. I made it three weeks ago.

I joke about being a binge eater, but today it's not funny. I eat to hide feelings. I eat to celebrate. I eat to mourn. I eat for comfort and for fun. I hide my eating from those closest to me. I eat against my will. I eat things I don't even like. Then I hate myself. And sugar makes me feel better.

So while reading about weight loss surgery, and talking to people who have gone through it, I keep seeing this theme: You'll be expected to lose 30-50 pounds prior to surgery. Bitch, If I could lose that much weight on my own I wouldn't be researching how to get someone to literally cut out my stomach.

It's sound advice, though. If I don't demonstrate the ability to sustain lifestyle changes, the surgery will be pointless. So I'm leaning towards no cutting...in more ways than one.

I've been off plan about three weeks now. And I feel like hell. I'm tired, mentally sluggish, and squishy again. My skin and hair look like shit, and I'm dehydrated. I also have no sex drive, which will not do. Back on plan Monday, and will be deciding on modifications to the last experiment in the mean time. First thing to go is beer, bread, and sugar. Move to plant-based diet with minimal use of meats for protein. And I won't lie (because what's the point?): I'm curious about diet drugs (Adipex and the like). For now, though, I stay away.

Start over...or keep going.

Fuck, this is hard.