My Relationship with Food

I've been researching weight loss surgery lately. I have mixed feelings about it, but facts should support a decision of this size. My gut (ha!) says this is not the course I want to follow. I have such a ridiculous relationship with food. It's an abusive relationship. Food shames me, blames me, makes me feel like shit, forces itself on me, and then comforts me when I feel worthless. Sometimes we get along and have healthy boundaries, but mostly I feel enslaved to it.

But I can't just walk away from it. It's time to return to therapy. I have addressed to many issues with past therapists. A traumatic upbringing, a toxic relationship with a parent, work stress, and issues of sexual impulsivity. It's time to address the food. It's time to address the binging and what it serves, and how to move past it. My first appointment is in the morning. I made it three weeks ago.

I joke about being a binge eater, but today it's not funny. I eat to hide feelings. I eat to celebrate. I eat to mourn. I eat for comfort and for fun. I hide my eating from those closest to me. I eat against my will. I eat things I don't even like. Then I hate myself. And sugar makes me feel better.

So while reading about weight loss surgery, and talking to people who have gone through it, I keep seeing this theme: You'll be expected to lose 30-50 pounds prior to surgery. Bitch, If I could lose that much weight on my own I wouldn't be researching how to get someone to literally cut out my stomach.

It's sound advice, though. If I don't demonstrate the ability to sustain lifestyle changes, the surgery will be pointless. So I'm leaning towards no cutting...in more ways than one.

I've been off plan about three weeks now. And I feel like hell. I'm tired, mentally sluggish, and squishy again. My skin and hair look like shit, and I'm dehydrated. I also have no sex drive, which will not do. Back on plan Monday, and will be deciding on modifications to the last experiment in the mean time. First thing to go is beer, bread, and sugar. Move to plant-based diet with minimal use of meats for protein. And I won't lie (because what's the point?): I'm curious about diet drugs (Adipex and the like). For now, though, I stay away.

Start over...or keep going.

Fuck, this is hard.

Blocked

In some sort of cliched moment of writer's block I have found myself staring at a blinking cursor on the screen.  Prompts and ideas sit in front of me, but I have no thoughts.  I have not written for this blog in a couple of weeks (shit...just checked...haven't posted in 23 days) , but it's not the cursor on this screen that stares back.

I made the decision (entirely impulsively) to apply to graduate school.  I am preparing application materials to a doctoral program in my field. The GRE was easy, I have letters of recommendation committed from several former professors and colleagues, and I can fill out an application.  The blasted Personal Statement is what has me stopped.

I have practiced in my field for the last 10 years, but the prompts for this statement asks me to consider what brought me to the field and what experiences have prepared me for the study of my field...How do I answer these questions?

For most, the doctorate is the logical next step in their education.  I finished my Masters in 2006.  Since that time, I have worked in a variety of settings, and ultimately built a successful private practice.  Why am I going back now?  My fear is that if I can't answer this question for myself, for this personal statement...that maybe I don't need to go back.

That's an accurate statement, really.  I don't need to go back. So why am I trying to?

It's something left unfinished.

To prove that I can.

Because it would have made my grandfather REALLY proud.

It's really difficult to effect positive change in my field with a only Master's degree, regardless of what my income looks like.

In case anyone is interested, I am not looking for suggestions.  Please don't send them (I'll ignore them. I'm stubborn that way).

Back to the purpose of this blog:

I have not been vigilant about this lifestyle change that I started this blog to talk about.  I worked very hard for 6 weeks with some results, but not the results I hoped for. Still, my body has changed and I have lost weight. I am proud of that. But at my core, I am a food addict, a binger from way back.  I've talked about that. And staying on track has been very difficult.

I spent a week off the meal plan and gained about 5 pounds.  Then another week on plan, and lost 7.  I'm gaining knowledge through the ups and downs.  I've learned that I can add an apple and some peanut butter a couple times a week, and things don't go to hell.  In fact, I have more success.  I've learned that white bread and pasta are the devil and tend to make me sick.  Sugar appeals to me less than it used to, but I still love it.

I weighed in on Saturday at 259.5.  I've broken into the 250s and I'm thrilled about that.  I continue to work out, but not as often and not only with Kettlebells.  I've been in more physical pain lately, from my "women issues" and when that happens I'm much less motivated.  Walking seems to help, but I'm chained to my office far too often during the week, and by the weekend I'm exhausted.  It's a daily challenge.  Some days are better than others, of course.

I flirt with guilt over my lack of progress, but at the end of the day, I just really don't care so much.  The motivation I had has significantly decreased.  I think part of this comes from having no concrete goals.  My goal was just to "do better."  And overall I am.  And that's good enough for me, right now.
This blog will morph, as things do.  There's far too much going on to just talk about what I eat and how much weight I throw around.  Sure...we'll go with that.

Outta spoons and fucks.

Today was one of those unspeakably terrible days that you just can't quite describe in full horror with human words.  Lions might have a word for it, or baby seals...but not humans.  I'm going to run down a list of today's events, then explain.

1.  First client of the day was late, and was a tiny little cunt-in-training.  She was accompanied by Grand-Mothercunt.

2. I was in such a sudden and intense level of pain from a medical issue that I got dizzy and threw up.

3.  I got home after a 12 hour day to find the dogs (really, just one of the dogs, but because I didn't see it I shant point fingers at thelittle bitch hiding her face under the table), had torn apart a full kitchen trashcan and left me presents to clean up all over the downstairs.

4.  Someone (this time I really mean someone...could have been me, could have been The Engineer, as we were both late as fuck getting up today, or could have- more than likley- been the goddamn cat) left the bedroom door open and aforementioned dogs wallowed in the bed.  They are shedders.

Is that all?  I think that's all.  Really, I don't need any more than that.  I ran out of spoons.*

Three of the four above are pretty common occurrences, actually.  And don't generally bother me much.  But number two?  That was the variable that made it all topple.

I suffer (and I do mean *suffer*) from Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, and Endometriosis. Both of these issues can be painful.  Together? They can knock me out.  What are they?  Google it.  Basicially PCOS means lots of cysts (poly) on your ovaries (ovarian-duh).  Endometriosis is what happens when the endometrial tissue that lines the uterus goes rogue and implants on other organs (ovaries, Fallopian tubes, cervix), and even up the spine and onto the kidneys in some severe cases.

I'm in pain when I ovulate, when I have my period, and sometimes any-damn-time my cunt feels like torturing me.  Some months are better than others, definitely.  Diet and exercise do influence changes.  (For instance, prolonged gluten abstinence significantly decreased period-cramps, and yoga helps decrease overall pain levels everywhere).  But sometimes it feels like chance.

I was a week late, which is abnormal.  Of all the symptoms I have, I tend to be regularish, which is unique.  I have noticed a correlation (not 1.0, but still...upward) that the later my period starts, the more severe the pain I'll have during.  I was 6 days late, this month.  Started this morning.  And 6 hours later, the pain hit.  I had just eaten lunch (late, rushed, and soup) when the dizziness hit.  I felt feverish and sweaty, and then the pain.  Familiar, not alarming.  And nearly unbearable.  And then my lunch left me.

The only other time it was this bad, I ended up in the ER with a suspected ectopic.  Test was negative.  It was the PCOS and endo.

Today was a severe pain (9 of 10) kind of day.  It took most of my spoons to deal and see clients, most of whom were either very cranky or were in the throws of an emotional crisis.  I'm not the most woo, but I'm pretty sure one of them shot her negative energy at me and I absorbed it because the pain kept me open and unshielded.

The drive home was long (but I skipped the ice cream castle this time), and a long drive in pain feels endless.  Then to come home and the house...the dogs.  *Sigh*

I slammed a few doors (satisfying), and smacked a wall (that hurt).  Then I worked out (kettlebells, mytatic crunches, and front and side planks).  I exhausted my poor self.  Sweat everywhere.  Jumped in a coldcold shower, poored wine, and made a steak salad.  I feel better.  Or at least, am unperturbed by my lack of spoons and fucks at this moment.

Texts from The Engineer and The Professor (a new, hopefully not just walk-on character) helped improve my mood.  Took some pain killers and life is ok.  I had a dark chocolate Hershey bar on the way home, when I stopped for Tylenol.  Blood sugar was low and I had run out of Plan Fucks.  Chocolate was being consumed, aight?

And as I sit and think, the wine kicking in and food hitting my belly, I recognize the glorious hyperbole of my first sentences.  Was today bad?  Yes.  But I'm alive, and the pain has left, as it always does.  All limbs are in tact, my loved ones are safe.  I have said wine and food and belly.  It was bad.  And now it's over.  Tomorrow, I get more spoons?

*Spoons is a reference to this article on Spoon Theory for chronic health conditions.  My PCOS and endo are chronic, but not always a problem.  I also suffer from depression and anxiety that take spoons, on occasion, also.

Here's the article, if you are interested.

http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

35 Days

I've been bad about blogging this week, which may show in my results.  I also didn't do well on plan.  I wrote, a few days ago, about wanting to cheat.  I hoped that sharing that, that telling on myself, would keep me honest and on course.  That night, it worked.  I went out with friends, and while what I actually wanted to eat involved potatoes slathered in cheese..I got steak, green beans, and a side salad with no cheese or croutons.  And red wine.  Ignore the roll in the picture.  I gave it to my friend Lisa, who promptly had it stolen by the server, who thought she was done with that plate.  *Bread casualty sad face*

That evening, I indulged in not one, but TWO spoonfuls of honey-peanut butter.  This is, typically, as close as I get to cheating during the week.

The next day, however...things got dicey.  I ate well all day, but I was out of town, and had to pass by my favorite Ice Cream Castle on the way home.  You remember the one?  Disney princess castle in the middle of BFE with a Baskin Robbins?  I know that somewhere in my subconscious I had already given myself permission to stop and get some.  It was just too easy, pulling my car into the lot with a devil-may-care attitude.  I was going to have some fucking ice cream.

I'm too smart for my own good sometimes.  I convinced myself that I was a scientist, and I needed to test what affect having ice cream during the week would have on my overall progress.  Testing my limits was necessary and dammit, just intelligent lifestyle modification.  So I had ice cream.

It did not taste quite as good as I'd hoped, but I still ate that stuff fast enough that pictures were not obtained.

Here's a thing that happens when I cheat sometimes: The next shitty decision comes so much easier.  I had Chipotle for dinner.  This isn't necessarily bad, it can actually be very diet compliant if one orders correctly.  Shredded cheese on top and a bag of tortilla chips with which to make nachos is not ordering correctly.  It was, however, fantastic and delicious.  Aaaand I ate it too quickly to take pictures.  I guess I didn't want photographic evidence.  Understandable, but I'm telling on myself here, so *shrug*

I felt terrible the next day, physically.  The sugar crashes aren't quite as bad as the wheat-based crashes, interestingly enough.  I feel bloated and awful after wheat products.  Sugar makes me grouchy, but not as tired.

Weigh in day wasn't great.  It wasn't awful either.  I lost a 1/2 pound since last week.  I lost 3 inches overall in the last two weeks.  I deleted the measurements I took and compared this week's to the last time The Engineer weighed me, for consistency.  I noticed while he was measuring me this week that I tend to pull the tape WAY tighter around my body than he does.  I guess that would make a difference if I'm squishing all my fat out of the way to take "accurate measurements."  I decided that if he isn't available to measure me then I'll skip circumference for that week.

This week's weight is 260.  I really hoped to break into the 250s this week, but T.E. assures me next week we'll do it.  I like that I have a partner along for this ride.

Total Weight Loss: 8 pounds in 35 days
Total Inches Lost: 18.75 inches in 35 days

I'm proud of the pictures.  There is a visible difference (not just in hair color), and that helps me see the progress even if I can't feel it.  Pain level has been bad this week.  I completed 2 of the 3 workouts.  Missed the Friday workout because I was exhausted and just plain forgot to do it until I'd had too much wine to do it safely.  Kettlebells and inebriates don't mix, you guys!


8/2/2015                                            9/5/2015

Must Bitch About It

Partially, this blog was created to give me a place to vent, seek support, and whine when I need it.  Of course, I keep with the measurements and what sort of things I'm doing regarding eating changes and exercise routines.

But it gets boring talking about "I eat meat, vegetables, and lentils," because there are only so many ways that you can write about that before it gets boring.  Turns out there are only so many ways you can EAT this way before it gets a little boring.  4HB (The book) warns of this.  It's supposed to be simple and boring, to leave little room for error.

Today, I'm just going to whine.

I have been following the plan nearly perfectly, and my results are showing.  I have talked about my wish for faster results, but The Engineer points out that fast weight loss often seems to lead to even faster weight gain later.  The slow route provides a more solid foundation for permanent lifestyle changes.  I get that.

But when I read some of the "testimonials" I get...discouraged.  There's a lady he highlights, "Tracy" who lost over 100 lbs on the plan (I can't remember or it didn't say how long that took).  In part of her testimonial, she said (paraphrased), "If you have 80 to 100 lbs to lose and aren't losing 5-6 pounds a week for the first several weeks, you are doing something wrong."

I reasonably COULD lose 100 lbs.  I probably should.  That would put me at 168 lbs for my 5'7" height.  I'm tall compared to the average woman.  I don't need to be 120.  I'd look sickly at 120.  I suspect I might look a bit sickly at 168, but I haven't been at 168 since...middle school?  So I really can't say for sure.

If we assume that I have 80-100 lbs to lose...apparently I am doing something wrong.  My average is 1.87 lbs of loss per week.  Now, my average is ALSO 5.5 inches a week.  Maybe she meant inches?
Tim Ferriss also talks about weight change as not only being change in pounds, but a change in where weight is distributed and HOW on a person's body.  So shifting 20 lbs of fat in the bell to 20 lbs of muscle in the ass, legs, back, chest, etc is definitely a great change and will produce dramatic visual change in how a person looks, even if the scale remains the same.

Blah blah blah science and fitness.

I'm about to start my period (yeah guys, we gotta talk about that).  I have some health issues (PCOS, Endometriosis), which affects how my body holds weight, how severe my periods feel, how heavy a flow I have, regularity of my periods (and other bodily functions...endo-poo can be painful).  I am a fucking wreck this week.  I could not stop crying yesterday morning for no fucking reason.  I am agitated and irritable.  I nearly yelled at a client today (I find this really funny bc The Engineer nearly yelled at one of his clients yesterday).  I am HUNGRY, and that fucking salad with homemade, sugar free dressing, and chili with only beef and beans is NOT doing it for me.  I'm hungry, and cranky.  I'm hungry, cranky, and everything hurts right now.

This place I have office space in down here in Southeastern KY has literal Baskets of Candy EVERYWHERE.  Free chocolate just sitting around.

                                           (Yeah...it pretty much looks like this year round)


Sometimes the baskets are full of swiss cakes, ho hos, and ding dongs.  Once, there was a table of free cakes...Free whole fucking cakes...for visitors and staff to pillage.  I have done so well for the four weeks....but yesterday, I had a little York Peppermint Patty.  It was pretty gross, actually.  Today, I had a Ghirradelli mini-dark chocolate.  This thing was the size of a quarter.  It was pretty fucking yummy.

I did not ice after my workout last night (yes, I schlepped my kettlebell all the way down here and dragged it up to my hotel room).  My knees hurt.  My back hurts (that's the endo), and I just want to cry, eat and/or throw food, poop, and take a nap.    I am not sure if I will make it totally on diet today.  I feel a cheat coming on, and I'm not sure how severe it will be.  So I'm telling on myself, hoping to minimize damage.  I'd hit an OA (Over-eater's Anonymous) meeting, but honestly I don't want to hear about Jesus today.  I'd rather just experiment.  My life feels like a giant experiment sometimes.  There was never a plan for changes to be permanent, maybe it will be good to see just how much I set myself back by being lenient on a Tuesday rather than a Saturday.  Or maybe this blog will keep me on plan.

If I cheat, I'll talk about it here.  I'll take pictures of the offending foods and open myself to criticism.  I'll hack and release my own Chocolate/Bread/Potato related Dolly Madison Affair.

  

Rough Week. But Progress Made, Despite.

I know this blog is about weight loss and my path towards being a healthier, happier human.  But I am not my weight.  I am not my weight loss journey.  And sometimes other things come up.  Since this is my blog, I'm going to write about what has been going on with me that doesn't necessarily have much to do with my weight loss.  Because I need to.

It's been a rough week.  The Engineer has been out of town for the last couple days, work was very busy (although enjoyable), and there was a private issue that weighed heavily on my heart and head all week.

I'll talk about that very briefly, because I don't have many other outlets to share my feelings.  I need to talk about it, but I also need to maintain the confidentiality of the person involved, as they asked me to.

Someone I love very much and feel very protective over was hurt by someone that I thought could be trusted...someone that I have previously defended when others made similar accusations regarding their behavior.

I know that human interaction is complicated, but I still believe that it's never ok to put your hands on another human in anger, unless you fear for your life.  This situation...well self-defense was not the catalyst issue by any means.  This situation was about control, intimidation, and...and...and I don't know what.  I wasn't there, but the "victim" (and I'm using that term without them self-identifying...just trying to keep it all gender neutral and vague)...Rather...the Receiver of this violence, came to me: shaken, crying, scared.

I feel so many things about all of this.  I feel pain for my friend.  I feel anger at the perpetrator.  I feel shame for having been an ally of theirs for so long.  I feel guilt for not sharing MY experiences about this stuff.  I feel powerless. And it's been difficult for me this week, processing all of this.

The receiver of the violence does not want to make waves, and stated they feared what the perpetrator might do to them.  Which spawns SO MANY MORE feelings.  But I respect that choice.  It is their story to tell, their actions to take.  Initially, I was very reactive about what happened.  I saw red, and was pissed.  I couldn't sleep for several days.  It was triggering to me, hearing what happened.  I relived some of my own history of receiving this sort of violence.  My own victimization.  I relived interactions with this person, in particular.  While never physically violent with me, there was emotional manipulation, guilt trips, gaslighting.  Many call this "emotional abuse."  While in it, and shortly after...it was very difficult for me to label what I experienced as emotional abuse.  I suppose I have some feelings of shame associated with being a victim of emotional abuse in my 30s.  Like somehow I should be immune to this sort of treatment...immune from suddenly realizing things had gotten very very bad because "I should know better."

I feel all the things and it has been a rough week.  Today feels hopeful.  Some fog has lifted.  I had a few good cries yesterday as my body and spirit filtered out what I could control and what I could not control.  I spent the evening relaxing, and went to bed pretty early.  I slept heavily until the dogs woke me.  Night 2 without their Daddy and they were anxious.  Slept heavily after...Woke later than usual.  Took my weight and measurements, and made a protein heavy breakfast with beef, egg, and lentils.  Bulletproof coffee with Cinnamon.  And blogging.  I think a shower will also help immensely.

I'm adding in my data below, so I don't have to write a separate blog right now.  I don't want to spend the day in front of my computer. :-)

Weight Today: 260.5 (Total Weight Loss 7.5 pounds in 27 days)
Inches Lost This Week: 6.5*** (Total Inches Loss 21.75 inches in 27 days)


***Measurements include awareness of margin of error, particularly because I took my own circumference measurements today, rather than TE taking them for me...so I may not have placement of the tape exactly standard.


I don't have pictures today, as I didn't have The Engineer to take them, and when I tried to teach my cat how to take pictures with my phone, he just looked up porn and Rihanna music videos.  Unhelpful.

Enjoy your Saturday, ya'll.  Here's a music video for funsies, because Monster is right: Rihanna is the best.  (Check out the suspension!  So much fun!)

Cheat Day: Stuff I've Discovered, and FOOD PORN!

I am drinking a Coca-Cola.  A real one, with real sugar.  Not Diet Coke, which I am allowed 16oz of daily, if I chose to drink it.  Today is cheat day.

The Coke tastes weird, saccharine and chemical in my mouth.  The first drink, cold and crisp, was nice, but each drink after has been strange.  I found the same is true of Diet Coke, the longer I keep up these strange eating patterns.

Other changes that I find fascinating:
- I can drink coffee without creamer now.  Just use some fresh ground cinnamon and a drop or 2 of vanilla extract, and Stevia sweetener.  It's delicious!

-Every cheat day I think I WANT ICE CREAM!  And then I eat a some and my stomach hurts and I get a little nauseous.

-Sugar of any form tends to make me crash really quickly on cheat day, and I get a little cranky.  Also, I can eat WAY less than I used to of the stuff.

-I can eat way less of EVERYTHING than I used to.  I have been historically skilled at binging, but after 20 days of this new way of eating, I am full very quickly.

-I am pretty sick of meat.  This way of eating is very protein heavy and that means taking in a lot of meat.  I can choke down a couple eggs, if I have to, but mostly I am getting protein from meat. And I am getting sick of it, particularly chicken.  I am pretty sure I'm ready to start a vegetarian lifestyle (or nearly vegetarian lifestyle) once I have dropped a significant amount of weight.

-Refried beans are the best.  With mild chilis and hot sauce, sprinkled with bacon.  Yes.  Mmmmmmm

-Every week I think about what I want on cheat day...and what I am able to eat during the week, and then I plan and shop and cook.  I am fucking sick of thinking about food all the time.  A few weeks in, however, and I'm figuring out some shortcuts so I don't have to think about food so much.

-I am terrible at breakfast, so I've started adding Bulletproof Coffee in the morning (coffee, grassfed salt-free butter, Stevia, and Cinnamon).  BP Coffee should include Coconut Oil, but it tends to upset my stomach in that form so I'm going to introduce this slowly.  It really helps with keeping me full in the mornings when I am not able to make a full breakfast of protein, eggs, and lentils.

-I do miss beer during the week.

-BUT!  My taste in wine has completely changed! I have always loved sweet reds and whites, dessert wines.  I'm American and I like things sweet.  Dry wines had no place in my kitchen.  They tasted like wood.  Turns out when you remove sugar from your diet, your tastes change.  Sweet wines are TOO MUCH now, and I have fallen in love with several Cabernets and Merlots...wines that have traditionally been far too bitter for my taste.

-I miss bread and cheese THE MOST.

It's really exciting to see all the ways my preferences are changing as I watch my body change.

And now, Food Porn.  Here are some pictures of cheat day treats from the last three cheat days: